


Sum of My Fears

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-11-03
Updated: 2003-11-03
Packaged: 2019-05-15 09:27:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 26,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14787888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: FollowsOmens, Foreshadowing & Evidence of Other Things in the WindandUp Against The Wall. A letter, a disturbing dream, an omen and toss of fate's dice all come together to devastate Josh and Donna's lives.





	1. Sum of My Fears

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**The Sum Of My Fears**

**by:** Brandy  
**Character(s):** Josh, Donna  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Romance, Drama, Angst   
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** Not Mine. All West Wing characters belongs to Joshn Wells and the rest of the merry band.  
**Summary:** Follows "Omens, Foreshadowing & Evidence of Other Things in the Wind" and "Up Against The Wall". A letter, a disturbing dream, an omen and toss of fate's dice all come together to devastate Josh and Donna's lives.  
**Author's Note:** Endless thanks to Evelyn for all her help. **Feedback:** Lovely and very much appreciated.  


__

> _"His sister died in a fire while she was babysitting him. She tried to put it out, he ran outside. He went off campaigning, his father died. He wakes up in the hospital and discovers the President's been shot. He goes through every day worried that somebody he likes is going to die and it's going to be his fault. What do you think makes him walk so fast?"_

Donna, talking about Josh in " _Commencement_ ".

Josh woke up breathless and terrified. His heart was racing and even though his body was covered with a film of perspiration, he felt deathly cold. He glanced next to him, to the side of the bed that Donna had begun to occupy over the last month. It was vacant. Forcing himself free of the remnants of the horrid nightmare, he remembered that she was at her place that night. She wasn't supposed to be there. She was in her own apartment. Safe in her own bed. He hoped. He glanced to the other side of the bed where his phone sat and he was filled with the overwhelming urge to call her... just to check- to make sure. He reached for the phone, but his hand stilled in mid-air. No. He couldn't call her. It was three-thirty in the morning, and if he called and she heard the way he knew he would sound right then, it would do nothing but worry her. He couldn't do that. No matter how badly he wanted to hear her voice- even groggy and grumpy from being roused out of the first good night's sleep either of them had gotten in over two weeks- he couldn't do it. 

He wished, on the one hand, that she had decided to stay with him that night instead of going home. On the other hand, he was glad she wasn't there. She could never have slept through his nightmare, and it would have scared her. God knows, it had terrified him. The thing was, it wasn't like the old nightmares- the ones he rarely had anymore. This time it wasn't him being shot in Rosslyn. It wasn't sirens and screaming and frantic crowds. It wasn t about him- alone, sitting against a wall watching as his life's blood poured out of his chest at an alarming rate. This nightmare was horrifyingly worse. This was a collage of horrific images- all having one common conclusion. In each of the scenarios that had played out in his nightmare it had been Donna's fate- not his- which hung in the balance. In each instance he was forced to watch- helpless and powerless- as Donna died before his very eyes. 

Getting up out of his bed, he walked through his apartment, flicking on lights as he walked from room to room. It was something he had done as a kid whenever he had nightmares. He supposed it was some left over remnant of a childhood belief that said that light could diminish the intensity of the nightmarish images. No matter how far he moved away from those childhood ghosts, the ritual remained the same. This night, though, the trick didn't seem to work. His mind's eye could still see those hellish images all too well. 

He walked into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. It was an act of habit more than need. Whenever his nightly wanderings brought him into the kitchen he would open the refrigerator and just stare into it for a few minutes before closing it and trotting back to bed. Josh remembered one night when Donna had spent the night and had come into the kitchen during one of his 'fridge patrols' as she dubbed them. She looked with confused interest from him to the interior of the refrigerator, then back at Josh. Shaking her head, and in a mockingly serious tone, she said, "See, that's the trouble with these things- you've got to watch them every minute. They get up to all kinds of mischief in the middle of the night." They had shared a chuckle over that and then gone back to bed, cuddling and laughing over midnight 'snacks'. 

With a heavy sigh, Josh closed the refrigerator door and sat down on one of the kitchen bar stools. With his head cradled in his arms, he glanced once more at the phone. God, he really wanted to call her. If he could hear her voice maybe it would banish the awful memory of that terrible nightmare. He glanced at the clock- three forty-nine. No. He wouldn't call. It wasn't fair These were his demons and she'd had to share them enough as it was. All he needed was some time to get used to the fact that he could have happiness in his life without some sword of Damocles hanging over it. That the fact that he and Donna had finally managed to find their way to each other was proof that life could be good and stay good. That the deck wasn't stacked against him... against them. The sun would come up in a couple of hours, burning away the paranoid fantasies of the night, and restoring logic and rationality to his mind. That's the way it was supposed to work- right? 

Realizing he couldn't continue to avoid his bed any longer, Josh got up and made his way back down the hall to his bedroom, turning off lights as he did He was just about to his bedroom when the phone rang. He was about to reach for it when he heard Donna's voice come over the answering machine. He remembered then that she had set it up to pick up after the second ring when it was on. 

"Josh- hey.. I just woke up and remembered that Leo changed Senior Staff to seven-thirty and I forgot to tell you. There was a change in his schedule at the last minute. I wanted to make sure you-" 

"Donna- hey, I'm here." Josh said, picking up the phone and cutting off the machine. 

"What are you doing awake at this hour? Is something wrong?" Donna asked, the previous grogginess in her voice giving way to concern. 

"No... no. I'm up for the same reason you are. Just... nature calling. That kind of thing." Josh hedged, not liking the idea of lying to her, but liking less the idea of sharing his nightmares with her once again. Especially the latest one. 

"Why don't I totally believe you?" 

"Because you're a very suspicious woman. One would think that you work for the intelligence community rather than the White House." 

"Mmm-Hmm... Nice attempt at a side-step maneuver, Josh- but you forget, I know you better than that." 

"Well, your radar is malfunctioning tonight. Just your basic middle of the night wanderings here.Honestly. That and I miss you being in my bed. I've grown very accustomed to having you here." 

On her end of the phone Donna couldn't help but smile. She loved the sweet and tender side of Josh. She loved that she could finally enjoy it and return the sentiment the way she had wanted to for so long. Regardless of that, she still had the feeling that something was bothering him. 

"You know, I don't know whether to be flattered by that or feel taken for granted," she teased in reply. 

"I would never be stupid enough to take having you in my life for granted. I can be dumb sometimes- but not that dumb." 

Although he tried to sound light-hearted in his reply, Donna could almost hear the desperate quality in his voice. Something was defiantly going on. She was sure of it. She was also sure that Josh wasn't about to reveal it. At least not over the phone. If only she were there... 

"I guess I'll have to take your word for that," she replied, and Josh had the feeling she was talking about more than his comment about not taking her for granted. He knew deep down that he could never really fool her. For all her teasing about how she was 'tuned to him', she actually really was. She got' him. She understood him in a way no one ever had. That didn't leave a lot of room for bullshit. 

"I guess so. I'm fine- really. I just miss you," he admitted the last as at least partial concession to the truth. He missed her horribly. He would feel so much better if he could wrap her in the relative safety of his arms and keep her there. 

"You'll see me sooner than you think. I miss you too." 

"Go back to sleep, Donna.... I love you" 

"I will if you will." 

"Okay. See you soon." 

"Yeah... I love you too." 

With that Donna hung the phone up and glanced at the clock. Four a.m.. She really would have loved to go back to sleep, but she knew she couldn't now. Her mind was filled with concern for Josh. Something had caused the voices of doom and gloom in Josh's head to wake up. Maybe it was a delayed reaction to what had happened to Zoey. Maybe it was the reemergence of old ghosts from either a few or many years ago. She wasn't sure. The only thing that she was sure of was that she needed to get Josh to share this with her. It was different this time. The old barriers were gone. They needed to trust each other, and be able to rely on each other. Josh needed to let her know when he needed her, and not just rely on her well-honed ability to read him. 

With a sigh, Donna threw the covers aside and went to her closet. With brisk efficiency she pulled out her wardrobe selections for the day, as well as a couple of items she stuck in an overnight bag. She would stay at Josh's house tonight and they would hash through whatever was going through his head. They would face and deal with it- no matter what it was. That's the way they worked best... together. 

Donna was lucky enough to find a parking spot in almost the same vicinity of the block that Josh's apartment was on. Grabbing her overnight bag, the tray with the two large coffees and the bakery bag of muffins she had purchased fresh from the oven- not ten minutes ago- she kicked her car door closed, and made her way down the street to Josh's apartment. As she reached her destination, balancing everything on one arm, she let herself into his apartment with the key she'd had for some time. She took a moment to marvel at the odd path of her relationship with Josh. They had been inside each other's lives long before they'd ever been physically intimate. She supposed they had been emotionally intimate, on varying levels, from almost the first moment they met. That thought always made her smile. She supposed what they had is what some people meant when they said "soul mates"... 

The man sat in his van, immersed in his own observation, but completely unobserved by the very few people passing by him on such an early, overcast morning. It was just after six in the morning and very few folks were out and about this early. Just a few joggers and the like. Except, of course, the subject of his interest. She was a frequent early morning sight. Sometimes she was leaving the brownstone, after a night spent there, to go about her morning routine. Sometimes she arrived in the morning, in much the same way she had this morning. There was a time when he had wondered about the nature of their relationship, but no more. He was quite sure exactly what the woman was to Josh Lyman now. All the better. The best lessons were taught when they involved not only a man's head, but his heart as well. The lesson he was about to teach would be very comprehensive indeed. It would be so easy too. They were beginning to relax their guard again- become careless and foolish. How many times in the last week had he sat there, completely unobserved... right under the nose of these elitist, sanctimonious snobs? He laughed- a bitter, silent laugh under his breath as he turned the metal object over and over between his fingers. Once Donna was inside the brownstone, he glanced down at the object and smiled. He ran his thumb in a kind of caress over the smooth metal of the cartridge. He felt the ridges where the letters had been carved with a pen-knife into the side of it. D.. O...N...N...A. 

"This one's got your name on it, missy..." 


	2. Sum of My Fears 2

**The Sum Of My Fears**

**by:** Brandy  
**Character(s):** Josh, Donna  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Romance, Drama, Angst   
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** Not Mine. All West Wing characters belongs to Joshn Wells and the rest of the merry band.  
**Summary:** Follows "Omens, Foreshadowing & Evidence of Other Things in the Wind" and "Up Against The Wall". A letter, a disturbing dream, an omen and toss of fate's dice all come together to devastate Josh and Donna's lives.  
**Author's Note:** Endless thanks to Evelyn for all her help. **Feedback:** Lovely and very much appreciated.  


* * *

The day after a sleepless night was rougher for Josh than it had been a few years ago. If Presidents wore the visible signs of the weight of their terms then their Senior staff surely shared that burden. Because of the varied trials and tribulations of the Bartlet administration, as well as Josh's assorted personal hurdles- like getting shot and having to undergo heart/lung bypass surgery, he was no longer able to shrug off the rough nights with ease. Of course, his bad nights also affected Donna, now more than ever. 

When she had walked into his apartment at six that morning, he had been a little surprised, but not terribly so. Even though he did not and never would take her presence in his life for granted, he had become used to the way she was there for him without him ever having to ask. Logically he knew that in her typically intuitive Donna-like fashion, she had sensed something was bothering him during their short phone conversation and had decided to waste no time confronting the problem. He had expected her to arrive with questions as well as the coffee and muffins she brought, but none had come. They had spent a quiet half hour or so together, drinking their coffee and nibbling on the warm and tasty muffins while he finished dressing, then she had followed him out, leaving him at his car and going to her own. They always arrived at the White House in their separate vehicles, never wanting to flaunt the relationship that everyone knew about, but refrained from commenting on. In that respect, very little had changed . 

Josh and Donna's relationship, with all its layers, resembled a very complicated book with two parts- a book written in its own unique language. The one part- the well worn and familiar part- was the professional side. The other part, surprisingly familiar given the brevity of it's use, its pages still crisp and in many places unmarked, was the personal, intimate side. At times the line between those two parts became blurred- but they lived with the understanding that, for now at least, an equal balance was important. It was a tricky balance, but they had both vowed to make it work. However, both of them had come to realize what the most important thing was, and if push came to shove, they knew what part of their life would take precedence. 

As Donna stood in the bullpen, supposedly going over some notes for a report she was putting together for Josh, she kept stealing glances at his weary form hunched over yet another report on his desk. She couldn't help but feel a little frustrated at her thwarted attempts to draw Josh out.Granted, they had been very subtle attempts. She had hoped that Josh would pick up on her concern and open up to her. Obviously that wasn't going to be the case. He kept insisting everything was fine, but the weariness in his eyes told a different story. Although Donna wasn't exactly sure why, she had the distinct feeling that the nature of his concern had to do with her. She had first noticed it that morning when she had walked into his apartment. He saw her, and for the briefest instant it was as though he heaved a great sigh of relief- as though he had been worried that some harm might have come to her, and the only proof that would satisfy him that she was fine was to have her right before his eyes. He'd covered the reaction rather quickly- but not quite quick enough for it to escape Donna's notice. That wasn't the last time either. She had gone over to the OEOB on an errand while he was at Senior Staff and because it took a bit longer than she expected she wasn't there when he was done. When she walked into the bullpen she noticed that Josh was practically bouncing off the walls and asking everyone who passed by him if they had seen her. When his eyes finally landed on her he had the kind of expression on his face that a parent has when they've finally located a missing child. Something was most definitely wrong. 

Donna dropped the folder on her desk and squaring her shoulders in a pose of resolve and determination, she walked into Josh's office, shutting the door behind her. 

Josh looked up when he heard the door click shut and took in the determined expression on Donna's face. He had a sinking feeling she had not come in to pass along the latest office gossip or to share some interesting tidbit she d discovered. 

"Hey... what's up?" he asked with deceptive calm as he leaned back in his chair. 

"That's funny- I was just about to ask you the same thing," she replied as she took the seat across from him. 

"What's that supposed to mean?" 

"I think you know. In fact, I'm sure you know," Donna replied, thinking that if this was the way he wanted to play it, that was fine- but she wasn't leaving until she got some answers. 

"I see. This is going to be one of 'those' conversations, isn't it?" 

"Only if you continue to mess me around. Josh, we made a promise to each other. Do you remember that?" she asked, reaching across the desk to lay her hand over his. 

"We made a few. Which one are you referring to?" he asked, all the while knowing exactly which promise she was talking about.He was stalling for time and they both knew it. He needed to tell her something- just how much he was going to tell her was the big question. 

"We promised not to hide things from each other. For each of us to care for the other in turn. No one carries the load all the time. We share the stuff that affects us... together. We decided that was the only way this was going to work. You remember that?" 

For a moment Josh didn't answer her. He couldn't. He saw the gentle, loving plea in her eyes and knew that he couldn't shut her out any longer. As much as he wanted to spare her from the demons that his mind had conjured up, he knew that wasn't possible. It was a part of him- therefore it was part of them. She was entitled to know. 

"I remember... and I'm sorry about how I've been today- it's just...." 

"You're worried about me. Is that right?" 

"Yeah. I guess that's the best way to put it," he admitted. 

"Is that the way you would put it?" she asked him, with a pointed look. 

"Well.. the sentiment is true enough. The intensity of it is a little off." 

"Meaning?" 

"Well... worried would be a little mild. Terrified would be a little closer to the mark," he admitted with a grimace. He couldn't help but notice the combination of shock and confusion that passed over Donna's features. 

"Why?" 

"It's not really rational... and I'm not exactly sure what prompted it, but I had this nightmare last night..." 

"Like the ones you used to have?" Donna asked gently, her features clearly expressing her worry and concern. 

"Yes... and no. This one was different. This one concerned you." 

"But Josh... I'm fine. I wasn't even there. I know it felt real, but it wasn't." 

"Donna.... I know that- but, it's not like things don't happen. They happen all the time. Rosslyn... CJ... Simon... Zoey. Even Mrs. Landingham, driving back here in her first brand new car. What the hell was that? Then there was that suicidal nut shooting into the Press Room. And the letters.. I won't even get into the daily parade of crazies that send their cards and letters to everyone here. Like that crazy bastard who decided to fixate on you.Of all the people in the world for someone to target their lunatic hatred on- they choose you? Where's the logic in that?" 

Donna sat there and watched as Josh got more and more wound up and agitated. Although she didn't like seeing his fear and anxiety riding so close to the surface, she knew it was far better than having it bottled up inside him. 

"There is no logic in it," she said when he fell silent. "Just like there wasn't any logic in a bunch of ignorant racists firing into a crowd of innocent people and almost killing you and the President. It's just what happens sometimes. Just like people die in car accidents or get awful diseases or get on planes that crash. It happens. It doesn't mean that you should spend your life walking around paralyzed with fear that it's going to happen to you or someone you love.That's not living- that's just existing." 

Donna watched as Josh raked a frustrated hand over his features and sighed, I know that, Donna. Honest to God, I do, and I don't want to saddle you with this kind of crap. It's why I wanted to try to work it out myself. It's just... I just can't get over the fear that something could happen to you... I can't lose you. I just can't" 

Josh sat there, unable to go on any longer. He looked drained. Helpless, scared and vulnerable. Donna was in a quandary over what to do. She knew Josh's fears were based on a long history of bad luck and misplaced guilt over things he had no way of controlling. What's more, Donna knew that Josh was aware, on an intellectual level, that his fear was irrational. She also knew that knowledge hardly made the fear less real for him- just harder to deal with. She thought about everything he had just said and... 'wait,' she thought, 'the letters... in particular that one letter'. Suddenly it all came together in her mind. 

Several weeks before- not too long before the whole incident with Zoey, Donna had received a letter. As Josh put it, it was one of the wandering band of nut-jobs that, on occasion, chose one or the other of the White House staff to vent their spleen on. This time, and not for the first time, it was her. She had received her first real taste of that kind of thing after Rosslyn. Since then her skin had thickened a bit, as had Josh's and most of the rest of them. When it came to himself- and he received more than his fair share of weird and disturbing mail- he shrugged it off with sarcastic comments and quips about the letter writer's atrocious grammar and spelling. Her latest letter had not been received with quite the same cavalier attitude. Donna remembered that Josh had been honestly flummoxed that anyone would want to fixate their twisted ideas on her of all people. On the heels of that had come the thing with Hoynes, then Zoey being taken, and Molly being killed. When they were in the middle of all that, Josh had been too busy to be worried. Now things had calmed down, they were finally together and happy as a couple, everyone was starting to breath a sigh of relief as things started to stabilize in the world. Naturally, this would be the moment when Josh's voice of fatalism would wake up. 

"Will you do me a favor?" she asked. 

"Yeah." 

"Call Stanley. Hash out all this stuff with him- how you feel and why. Let him help. Okay?" 

After a very obvious moment of hesitation, Josh nodded. Donna smiled, and leaning across Josh's desk, she did something she rarely ever did at work- she kissed him firmly on the mouth. 

"Thank you." 

"Hey, you may end up being sorry. He may find out I have a fear of rectangles after all. Can you imagine the challenges that could present?" he replied with a hint of his usual smart-aleck grin. 

"I think we can handle it," Donna replied in similar teasing fashion. "I ll go make that call, okay?" 

At his nod she turned and left his office in a much better mood than when she had entered it. Josh, she observed, looked a little better himself- if for no other reason than that they were sharing the problem now. That was the way it was supposed to be. 

******************* 

The man approached the brownstone he had been observing that morning, withdrawing the plain manila envelope from his mail-pouch as he neared the door. With a covert glance to either side, he placed the envelope through the mail slot in the door. Just the hint of a smile graced his features as he turned and walked away. 

To anyone who crossed his path, he would have hardly merited a passing glance. In the uniform of a postal carrier, he blended into the background of the quiet Georgetown neighborhood in much the same way the trees and the street lamps did. That was exactly his intention. 

Allowing himself a small, self-satisfied smile as he neared his destination, he conceded that his latest move possibly wasn't the most prudent. He wasn't truly worried. It was more of a twinge of misgiving. The kind a careful poker player might have when they realize they've revealed a 'tell' during a high-stakes hand. Of course, this 'tell' had been intended. It made the game a bit more challenging, but didn't reveal too much. There was also the chance that his opponent was not as keenly observant as he was. If so, all the better- the outcome would be the same. He would make sure of that. 


	3. Sum of My Fears 3

**The Sum Of My Fears**

**by:** Brandy  
**Character(s):** Josh, Donna  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Romance, Drama, Angst   
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** Not Mine. All West Wing characters belongs to Joshn Wells and the rest of the merry band.  
**Summary:** Follows "Omens, Foreshadowing & Evidence of Other Things in the Wind" and "Up Against The Wall". A letter, a disturbing dream, an omen and toss of fate's dice all come together to devastate Josh and Donna's lives.  
**Author's Note:** Endless thanks to Evelyn for all her help. **Feedback:** Lovely and very much appreciated.  


* * *

If Josh had learned anything from the last four and a half years in the White House, it was that there never seemed to be enough hours in the day to accomplish everything you needed to do. Normal working hours- or what constituted normal for most people- were something you barely remembered having. For Josh, the work tempo was not only something he was accustomed to but something he had come to enjoy. The fact that Donna had so effortlessly fallen into his work rhythm was just another testimony to how well suited they were for each other. 

However, today was not one of those days when he enjoyed the frantic pace, and he could tell that Donna felt the same way, although she wasn't about to admit it. Of course, in the same way she knew that something had been really bothering him, he knew that she needed a little time away from the White House and work. She would never admit it, and if he said 'go home, Donna- you need some rest', she would very likely say, 'I will when you do.' What he needed to do was figure out some way around her objections. That wasn't going to be easy. As he was trying to come up with a solution to the problem CJ appeared at his door. She stood there for a moment, unobserved by Josh, who was leaning back in his chair with his feet propped up, staring off into space. 

"I see you're hard at work, earning your government salary," she remarked with a smirk. 

Josh, startled at her sudden appearance, practically fell out of his chair. 

"I swear, CJ, I'm getting that bell for you. Don't you know it's not nice to sneak up on people?" 

"Hey, I can't help it if you were sitting there day dreaming -with your door open for all to see- I might add. Nice example for the kids, Josh," CJ replied, coming into his office and taking the seat across from him. 

"Did you come in here for a reason, or just to annoy me?" he asked, thumbing through the files on his desk in an effort to appear busy. 

"Well... while annoying you is always a worthwhile pursuit, I actually did have a reason for being here." 

"A good reason?" Josh asked with a smirk. 

"Oh, I think you'll find it to be a matter of interest." 

"Well, by all means, share with the class, Claudia Jean." 

"I received an interesting tidbit of information regarding the 'Fools on the Hill' . This one, my friend, is one for the record books. It goes right to the top of the Idiots Hall of Shame List." 

"Would you mind telling me what 'it' is?" Josh grumbled impatiently. 

"I'm piquing your interest." 

"Consider it piqued," Josh replied, with a look that was eerily like the one Leo used when his patience had come to an end. CJ wasn't quite as intimidated by Josh's version as she was by Leo's, but he was learning. With a hint of a smile, and leaning forward a bit for dramatic effect, she proceeded to fill him in. 

"Well... it seems that a certain senator from Texas has decided to author a bill proposing a federal law that would make same-sex marriages illegal- and he's managed to get a co-author as well," CJ said, leaning back in her chair to wait for her news to sink in and watch Josh's reaction. 

"You're kidding, right? This is a joke. This has got to be one of your little jokes designed to make my head explode. I'm right, aren't I?" Josh asked, jumping up and pacing around his office. 

"No joke, mi` compadre. It's all true. Bizarre and sad, but true." 

"Who? I want the idiots names!" 

"Tillson and Hannah," CJ replied, inwardly relishing the wrath that Josh would undoubtedly release on the pair. She watched as Josh muttered their names over and over under his breath, knowing that he was making a mental list of every bit of dirt that he could use against them. Finally he turned back to her. 

"Okay- let's put aside, for a moment, the fact that such a law is both wrong and stupid. Isn't it fundamentally redundant? They got their damn Defense of Marriage Act- what more do they want?" 

"Well, apparently they want a law making same-sex marriages illegal," CJ replied, with a deadpan expression. 

Josh shot her a look, and then with a irritated sigh yelled, "Donna!" 

"Stop yelling!" she demanded, appearing in his doorway, then with an air of exaggerated patience asked, "What?" 

"Where's all that side-research you did when we were prepping for the Defense of Marriage Act thing? All the statistics from the different states and that independent research study you found." 

"You mean the stuff that didn't stay here?" 

"Yeah." 

Donna thought for a minute then said, "I remember. It's in a file box in that room in your apartment that you laughingly refer to as an office." 

"It is an office! It's my office." 

"It's a storage room." 

"It is not. It's my office!" Josh denied churlishly while CJ watched their exchange with amusement. 

"Josh," Donna began, "Offices have desks and chairs- a nice lamp or two. Offices are not filled with mysterious boxes and dust bunnies and nothing else. What do you need that stuff for, anyway?" 

"Some idiot-ass senator has decided that we need a federal law making gay marriage an illegal act." 

Donna shook her head and with a exasperated snort said, "Well, that's just stupid." 

"Like that's ever been an impediment for them... Look, can you go to my place and pull all that stuff and get it organized? I want bullet points from that research study that we can use. In fact- why don't you work on it there. You won't have as many distractions and you'll be able to pull it together faster." 

"Are you sure? Don't you need me here? I can always bring it back and get someone to help me with it," Donna asked, still a little concerned about him after the night he'd had and the day he was having. 

"Yeah, I'm sure. No one else understands that stuff as well as you do, and without other distractions you'll be able to get it together fast. I need this stuff fast." 

"Yeah," CJ interjected, "Leo made a point of saying this needed to be squashed quickly and quietly. He doesn't want it on the President's desk in any way. In fact, he doesn't even want it remotely on the President's radar. 

"I figured that. If this doesn't get done right we're going to catch hell from all sides- so let's do it right." 

"Okay," Donna said with a nod. "I'll head over to your place now. I'll have my cell, in case you need me." 

"Good. Oh, and Donna-" 

"Yeah?" she asked, as she turned to leave. 

"Feel free to use my office," Josh offered with a teasing grin. 

Rolling her eyes at him, she continued on her way out. CJ watched Josh as he watched Donna's retreating form. She saw the flicker of concern pass over his features before he returned his attention her. 

"What?" he asked, noticing the questioning look in her eyes. 

"Is everything okay with you two?" 

"Yeah... of course. Why do you ask?" 

"You're sure everything is okay?" CJ asked again, ignoring his question. 

"I said it was, didn't I?" 

"Josh, are you lying to me?" CJ asked, with her 'no bullshit- I need the truth here' look. With a rueful half-smile, Josh acknowledged that there were probably only a handful of people on this earth that could get to him with that look, and three of them happened to work here. One had just left, the other one was just down the hall, and the last one was sitting across from him. 

"Maybe a little- but we're working on it," Josh admitted. 

"We? As in you and Donna? That 'we', right?" 

"Yeah." 

"Good. As long as you're talking to Donna about it I won't worry," CJ said with a satisfied little smile. Josh knew, that when it came to him, CJ had immense faith in Donna's abilities. 

"You, my friend, are a very lucky man. I hope you know that," CJ remarked as she got up to leave. 

"I do, CJ- you can have faith in that, if nothing else," Josh replied sincerely. 

************************* 

Donna grabbed her bag out the car and made her way across the street to Josh s apartment for the second time that day. At least this time she'd managed to get a better parking spot. As she opened the front door, she saw the manila envelope lying on the floor in his entryway. With a frown of confusion, she leaned over to pick it up. 'That's funny' she thought, 'Josh doesn't get his mail delivered to his apartment. It goes to a post office box.' Flipping it over, she saw, in ordinary block print, 'J.LYMAN', followed by his address and a metered postage stamp mark. Looking a little closer, she noticed that while it appeared perfectly legitimate in every other way, there was no return address and no postal code stamp. That, combined with the fact that Josh never got mail delivered to his home, was enough to set off warning bells in her head. She held it for a second, trying to decide what to do. It didn't take long before she came to a decision. Digging her cell phone out of her bag she dialed the number of the one person who could help, and do it with the least amount of fuss. 

"Mike Casper, please. This is Donna Moss... Yeah, I'll hold." 

A moment later Donna heard the familiar voice come over the line. 

"Hi, Donna. Did you finally get tired of Josh and decide to give me a chance?" Mike asked, teasing her with what had become a running joke between them. 

"I'm afraid not, Mike. I was actually calling to ask for a favor." 

"Just to show you that I'm a great guy who handles rejection well, I'll grant your favor- if it's within my power, that is." 

"I appreciate that. You're a good guy, Mike." 

"No problem. What can I do for you?" 

Donna proceeded to tell Mike about arriving at Josh's to find the envelope, and described exactly why it had disturbed her. 

"You didn't attempt to open it, did you?" 

"No. I picked it up and looked at it, but I didn't open it." 

"Okay. Good. Look, Donna, it's probably nothing, but just to be on the safe side I'm going to send a guy over, let him check it out. If it's safe then we'll go from there. How does that sound?" 

"Mike- you don't really think its... something dangerous, do you?" Donna asked, her heart beginning to race, and her mind became filled with all sorts of ominous scenarios. 

"I don't know, Donna. Probably not, but it's better to be safe than sorry," Mike pointed out reasonably. 

"Alright- I'll wait here for...who did you say you were sending?" Donna asked. 

"His name is Mac Hagarty. He's one of our tech guys," Mike replied, and Donna got the impression he was being purposely vague about the exact nature of what the man did. 

"Okay. I'll be here." 

************** 

The tech specialist that Mike Casper sent over arrived about ten minutes later. He was a trim, dark haired man who spoke very little after identifying himself and asking to see the package. Donna pointed it out to him with wide, apprehensive eyes, and then stepped back at his request. 

She watched as he ran his gloved hands carefully over all the seams of the envelope. Donna noticed with interest that he let out what appeared to be a small, relieved sigh when he completed that portion of the examination. Then she watched as he pulled over a metal container about the size and shape of a file box. It had been sitting just inside the front door, next to a bag that she hadn't even noticed him bring inside. 

"What's that?" she asked. 

"Let's just say this is my way of being 'better safe than sorry'," he replied, barely glancing at her. 

Not wanting to distract him further from his task, she didn't ask him to elaborate. Instead she continued to watch as he retrieved the envelope again and placed it inside the container. After that, he slipped on protective goggles and proceeded to open the envelope. In reality, the process took about ten to twenty seconds, but to Donna it felt like an eternity. Finally, he retrieved the contents of the envelope, and although she couldn't see what it had contained, she couldn't help but notice Mr. Hagarty's reaction. His eyes widened just slightly, in carefully controlled surprise, then darted to where Donna stood watching. Without a word to her, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone. 

"Sir - this is Hagarty. Yes, sir... No, sir- nothing like that,but your going to want to see this. Yes, sir, I'll follow her in." 

With that, Hagarty turned to Donna and said, "We need to take this in to the lab- let them look it over. Agent Casper would like you to accompany me back." 

"I don't understand... what is it? Is it some sort of threat to Josh?" 

"Ma'am, I'd really like to get this in right away. I'm sure Agent Casper can answer all your questions," he said, gathering up his gear as he answered her. 

After a moment of frustrated confusion, Donna realized he wasn't going to be any more forthcoming than he had been and it would be easier just to do as he asked. 

"I'll get my things," she muttered, wishing the day could simply be over. It had begun badly and was getting worse by the minute. 

Donna sat in Mike Casper's office waiting impatiently for him to return. She had turned off her cell, but she had her pager on and Josh had paged her twice already. If she didn't call him soon, he'd probably do something wild and crazy- like try to get D.C police to issue an APB for her. The thing was she didn't want to lie to him, but she didn't want to get him all worked up over what may be nothing. This was definitely not the time for that. Although her being out of touch for the last hour was probably doing the same thing. 

Just as she was about to call in, Mike came walking in to his office. Donna did a quick check of his features and saw no indication as to what he had learned. 

"So... what? It was something completely harmless- right?" Donna asked, searching Mike's features once again, as he leaned against his desk, his mouth pressed into a thin line. 

"I wouldn't exactly say that- no." 

"What would you say- exactly?" Donna asked, her brows furrowing in concern. 

"Before I get to that, let me ask you something..." 

"Okay." 

"Have you received any threats lately. Any kind at all." 

"Me? Why are you asking about me?" 

"Just answer the question, Donna," Mike asked, sounding at that moment very much like the FBI agent he was. 

"Well, I guess... I mean we all get crazy mail. Even me. Just a month or so ago I got this letter... Mike, what has this got to do with the envelope I brought you?" 

After a moment of hesitation, Mike handed her a file folder she hadn't noticed that he was holding. She took it, realizing that her hand shook slightly as she reached for it. 

She held it in front of her for a moment, not taking her eyes from the serious expression on Mike's face as he said, "That's a copy. The original is still in the lab." 

Slowly, Donna opened the folder and with a kind of mind-numbing shock realized that she was looking at a picture of herself, taken just that morning. It was an 8x10, black and white glossy, and it showed her letting herself into Josh's apartment. The most disturbing thing of all was the circular lines that had been super-imposed over the picture- like the view from a rifle sight. The inner-most circle centered on her chest. Right above her heart. With a gasp, Donna dropped the picture as though it had burned her. It fell to the table in front of her, still in her line of sight. With effort, she pulled her eyes away from the terrifying image and looked at Mike. 

"Tell me about the letter, Donna, " Mike asked, firmly, but not without feeling. He could tell she was becoming very upset, but he had to remain professional. 

Donna told him everything she could remember, and he asked how it had been handled. She told him it had been handled like all correspondence of that nature received by White House staff. 

"Okay, I'm going to need that letter. I'll see that it gets sent over, as well as anything addressed to you or Josh that looks like it may have come from the same individual. We're taking this seriously, Donna. This is evidence of a real threat.I don't want to alarm you unduly, but that's the way it is." 

"Mike... can you... can you not tell Josh about this? I mean, he had a fit when I got that letter- but this... this is something else entirely." 

"That's exactly why he needs to know. I can't keep this from him, Donna." 

"Mike, please... look, at least let me talk to him first. He'll take it better from me. I'll tell him you're handling it, and then if he wants to talk to you, to reassure himself that everything's being handled the way he wants it to... Honestly, Mike- you know how he is. He'll start demanding that you put an agent on me every hour of the day." 

"That's not a bad idea..." 

"Mike, please. Let me tell him.He's going to go into hyper-protective mode as it is" 

He looked at her carefully, considering what he could do, and finally, unable to resist the pleading in her eyes, he nodded. 

"Okay. But right away, Donna. I'm not playing around with you on that. Josh gets told immediately." 

"Fine," Donna said, all the while thinking that there was one person's definition of 'immediately, and then there was hers. She would be employing her own- thank you very much. 

"I'm serious, Donna." 

"I know you are. I'll tell Josh as soon as I can," Donna assured him, and reminding herself that it was, technically, a truthful statement. She would tell Josh- as soon as she thought the time was right. Just as she was about to leave, her eyes fell on the picture again, and she felt the chill creep up her spine at the implications of it. She could only imagine what reaction Josh would have to seeing it. 

"I've got to go, Mike. I need to take care of some things right away." 

"Okay- just be extremely careful, and call me if you receive anything else- any kind of communication at all." 

"I will. I promise." 

Once she was gone, Mike reached behind him on his desk and picked up his phone. 

"This is Casper. Donna Moss is leaving the building. I need you to follow her until she's back at the White House- and call in when she gets there. Yeah... Thanks." 

He hung up the phone with a heavy sigh and picked up the photo Donna had left lying on the table. He hoped that his precautions would be for nothing, but he had a very bad feeling about this one. 

. 

On her way out of the building, after taking a few calming breaths, Donna pulled out her cell and called Josh. 

"Donna- where the hell have you been? I was about to call the police and-" 

"I'm so sorry, Josh. I had a flat on the way over to your place and I didn t realize my cell was turned off. I just got your messages." 

"You didn't get my page?" 

"My pager was in the car. I didn't even realize it until the mechanic finished with the car and brought it around. I'm sorry you were worried," Donna replied, wondering all the while if her excuses sounded as pitifully lame to Josh's ears as they did to hers.She hated the lies she was telling him, but knew, for the moment at least, that they were necessary. She couldn t deal with telling him about the picture yet, She was, in fact, doing her level best not to think about what that picture meant- about the threat it represented. At the same time, Josh was thinking that he had been going nuts with worry for nothing. It was just that damned unreliable car of hers again Donna had been right earlier, he needed to talk to Stanley, and work all this crap out so he'd stop over-reacting to every little thing. 

"Don't worry about it. I just called in the first place to remind you that one of the file cabinets is locked and that the key is on the key-rack in the kitchen. I only started to get worried when I couldn't get you." 

"Okay. The stuff isn't in there anyway- but thanks." 

There was silence on his end for a minute- just long enough for Donna to wonder if she had lost the connection. She was about to hang up and redial when she heard Josh again. 

"Donna?" 

"Yeah?" 

"You sure everything's okay?" 

"Yeah, of course. I'm just upset at the delay. That's all." 

"Okay. Are you on your way back to my place?" 

"Yeah. I'll be there in a minute. I'll call you as soon as I locate the files." 

"Okay. I'll talk to you soon." 

Josh replaced the phone in its cradle and just sat there, going over the conversation in his head. Even though he had been chiding himself just a few minutes ago for over-reacting, he couldn't shake the feeling that Donna was keeping something from him. Something was off... not right. In fact, the more he thought about it, the more certain he was that something was most definitely wrong. 


	4. Sum of My Fears 4

**The Sum Of My Fears**

**by:** Brandy  
**Character(s):** Josh, Donna  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Romance, Drama, Angst   
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** Not Mine. All West Wing characters belongs to Joshn Wells and the rest of the merry band.  
**Summary:** Follows "Omens, Foreshadowing & Evidence of Other Things in the Wind" and "Up Against The Wall". A letter, a disturbing dream, an omen and toss of fate's dice all come together to devastate Josh and Donna's lives.  
**Author's Note:** Endless thanks to Evelyn for all her help. **Feedback:** Lovely and very much appreciated.  


* * *

Once she returned to Josh's apartment, it took Donna just inside of two hours to pull the necessary files, arrange them in order of relevance and knock out bullet points . She owed her degree of concentration and swift results to her choice of workplace: Josh's bedroom. Her rationalization being that, of all the places in his apartment, that was the one room she felt safest - in other words, closest to Josh. 

After she located the box she was looking for in Josh's "office", she stood in the hallway for a moment before she finally decided where to go with the stuff. She dragged the dusty, heavy pile of files into his bedroom. Taking a seat in the middle of his king-size bed, she began to organize everything. 

Every so often the image of that awful picture would pop into her mind, and each and every time she forced it out. The odd thing was, as badly as it shocked and upset her, she didn't really dwell on what it meant to her, but more what it would mean to Josh. In a way, the whole thing struck her as more of a message to Josh than her. Yes, she was the 'targeted' person in the photo, but why send it to Josh? Why not send it directly to her? 

With a frustrated sigh, she gathered all the materials she would need to brief Josh, and returned the rest to the box. Cramming everything into a file folder, she gathered her things to head back to the White House. Of course, returning to work meant that she would have to deal with exactly when, and more importantly how, to tell Josh what had happened. That was not something her worn and weary mind wanted to think about, but she knew she couldn't avoid it forever. She faced the realization that there would never be a good time or a good way to tell Josh and she dreaded the results of such a conversation. 

Mike Casper was going over the letter that Donna had told him about once more. It had arrived about twenty minutes earlier, and a call from Ron Butterfield had followed. Mike thought back to that conversation with both relief and misgiving as he waited with Ron in Leo's outer office. 

~~~~~~~ 

"Mike, this is Ron Butterfield. I understand we have a problem." 

"Your sources are as quick and reliable as always, Ron." 

"You should have called me first, Mike. You know that." 

"I was actually on my way over to see you now. I wanted to have everything in front of me before we talked," Mike said, hoping to temper some of the anger and annoyance he heard in Ron's voice. Mike knew he was treading a fine line of security protocol by not notifying Ron immediately about a threat to someone who worked so near the President. 

"There was a picture?" 

"Yes. It's not good." 

"Do you have someone on her now?" Ron asked, already knowing the answer. 

"Yes. She's not aware of it, but yes." 

"We need to get together on this. Right away." 

"I'm on my way, Ron." 

"We need Mr. McGarry and Mr. Lyman in on this as well." 

"I agree- but after we talk, Ron." 

There was a moment of silence on Ron's end as he considered, then finally, 

"Fine. I'll see you in ten minutes." 

~~~~~ 

Mike looked up from the letter as Margaret announced that Leo could see them As they walked into his office, Mike noticed that the Chief of Staff looked like he was not having one of his better days- and that he knew on some level it was about to get worse. 

"What's going on?" Leo asked, looking at both of them in turn. 

Ron was the first to speak. 

"Leo, a little more than a month ago Donna Moss received a threatening letter. It was sent to her here. There was nothing particularly remarkable about it, and it was handled as procedure dictates. This morning she went to Josh's apartment to retrieve some files, and found this slipped in through his mail slot. We have reason to believe the letter and the photo are from the same person," he said, handing Leo the picture showing Donna with the bull's-eye' super-imposed over it. 

Leo blanched, his eyes widening as contemplated the awful implications of the photo. Try as he might, he couldn't tear his eyes away from it, even when Mike spoke up. 

"It was made to appear as if it was delivered by regular mail. The only reason Donna was even suspicious was that Josh doesn't get his mail delivered to the house. She called me, and I sent a bomb tech over to make sure it was safe. The photo's been analyzed thoroughly. It wasn't developed commercially, so there are no identifiers there. No prints, either. This person is either very smart, very careful- or both." 

"Let me see the letter," Leo said, his voice deceptively calm. Mike handed it to him without comment. 

Leo scanned it quickly, his eyes narrowing in disgust and barely suppressed anger. He handed both the letter and photo back in a manner that made it clear that he couldn't stomach the sight of either for one second longer. 

"Does Josh know?" 

At Leo's question Ron looked sharply at Mike. During their discussion previous to meeting with Leo, Mike had informed Ron of his promise to Donna. Leo noticed the brief exchange, and with growing agitation, repeated his question. 

"Well? Does Josh know or not?" 

"Donna returned to the White House about thirty minutes ago. She asked that I allow her to tell Josh what had happened first. She was apparently worried about his reaction and felt it would be better coming from her first. I allowed it, only on the condition that it be done immediately." 

"And you think that was wise?" Leo asked, his voice taking on a distinct edge. 

"I wasn't exactly wild about it, but I took her at her word. I know them both, Leo- you know that. I made a decision that, while not exactly text-book, was not careless either.She left my office with an agent safe-guarding her until she returned to the White House." 

"That's fine, Mike- but I'll give you even odds that she still hasn't told Josh, and furthermore that she's trying to think of any way possible to minimize this so that Josh doesn't get the full impact of what that picture means. She's going to try to protect him from it- and that's something we can't afford." 

Leo didn't wait to hear Mike's response to his prediction, but instead reached for his phone and dialed Josh's private line. 

"I need you in my office right away." 

Turning back to Mike and Ron, Leo said, "I need you two to wait down the hall. I'll call you back after I speak to Josh." 

They both nodded and were just about out the door when Leo called Mike back. 

"Mike- Leave the letter and the picture." 

Mike put the folder on the edge of Leo's desk, and with a slightly apologetic look, left the room, closing the door behind him. 

Donna was at her desk, ostensibly going over a paper written by a highly regarded Methodist pastor refuting the biblical arguments made by some to rationalize their anti-gay marriage stance. To the casual observer that's what she appeared to be doing. What she was actually doing was rehearsing all the possible ways she could tell Josh what had happened earlier. So far, inspiration and the nerve to just tell him and be done with it had forsaken her. Knowing that her window of opportunity was rapidly closing, she made the decision to just go into his office and proceed from there. Hopefully, when she was standing in front of him, the right words would come to her. Just as she was about to get up and walk into his office, Josh breezed by in a hurry. 

"Leo wants me in his office. That's where I'll be if you need me," he said in passing. 

Donna watched him walk away with a sigh that was somewhere between relief and resignation. 

************ 

Josh tapped on Leo's door and stuck his head in, "You needed me?" 

"Yeah, come in and shut the door." 

He walked inside and took a seat across from Leo. In doing so, Josh couldn't help but notice the tense set to Leo's features. Apparently something serious had happened. 

"What's up, Leo?" 

"I just got done meeting with Mike Casper and Ron Butterfield. Something happened and they needed to brief me," Leo paused, more for his own benefit than anything else. He could see Josh tense slightly in anxiety over what was coming next. 

"Okay... what?" 

"Donna got a letter, about a month ago. You knew about that, right?" 

"Yeah. So?" At Leo's question Josh became even more tense and anxious. It was illustrated in every line of his features, and every inch of his posture 

"Today, when she was at your place, she intercepted an envelope addressed to you. It concerned her, so she called Mike Casper. It was a threat." 

"A threat directed at..." Josh asked in a tight measured tone. 

"The threat was directed at Donna, Josh." 

Josh slumped back in the chair, color draining from his face. Leo watched for a moment, debating whether he should make some sort of comforting gesture, or just allow Josh the time to absorb what he'd heard. Leo was about to go over to him, when Josh's words stopped him. 

"What was the nature of the threat?" 

"It was ... a photograph," Leo replied, without elaboration. 

"Do you have it?" 

"Yes." 

"Let me see it." 

"Josh- " 

"Leo- just give it to me, okay." 

Josh stood, his hand outstretched and his mouth set into a firm line. Leo saw the anxiety and fear in Josh's eyes as he met his gaze and held it. With a sigh and a muttered curse, Leo handed him the picture that had been lying face down on his desk. He watched as Josh turned it over and took in the image before him. 

"This was taken this morning," he remarked in a halting and haggard voice. 

"Josh- Mike and Ron are outside. We're going to put protection on Donna, and they'll get whoever is doing this.Try not to let this get to you." 

"Yeah... sure, Leo. I'll try that." 

"Josh..." Leo began, then trailed off, not quite sure what to say to make a hellish situation better. 'Dear God,' he thought, 'when does it ever end?' 

"You said this was delivered to my apartment? Meaning that it was meant for me? Donna was never meant to see this- am I right?" 

"Yeah- that's the way it looks." 

"As a warning?" 

"I suppose. Look, Josh- let me get Mike and Ron in here and we'll work out- 

"Yeah, Leo. Do that- make sure you get her all the protection you can, and make sure she follows the rules. I'm going to... well, I'll be making my own arrangements," he said as he turned to leave. 

"Josh- what the hell? Where are you going?" 

"I'm going to do what I said I was going to do. Take care of Donna, okay. I m going to make sure it's understood that this is one warning that won't be ignored." 

Without another word Josh walked out of Leo's office, leaving the older man to wonder what the hell Josh was going to do, and if he would be able to survive what was to come. If either of them would. 


	5. Sum of My Fears 5

**The Sum Of My Fears**

**by:** Brandy  
**Character(s):** Josh, Donna  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Romance, Drama, Angst   
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** Not Mine. All West Wing characters belongs to Joshn Wells and the rest of the merry band.  
**Summary:** Follows "Omens, Foreshadowing & Evidence of Other Things in the Wind" and "Up Against The Wall". A letter, a disturbing dream, an omen and toss of fate's dice all come together to devastate Josh and Donna's lives.  
**Author's Note:** Endless thanks to Evelyn for all her help. **Feedback:** Lovely and very much appreciated.  


* * *

Donna watched Josh walk back into the bullpen. Her welcoming smile died on her lips as she noticed his expression. Her heart caught in her throat as the dire possibilities swirled in her mind. As he neared her desk, she reached out to touch him, but her hand stopped in mid-air as he glanced at her, barely breaking stride and said, "In my office. Now." 

She remained where she was for only the briefest second before she followed him, closing the door behind her. He was sitting behind his desk with his back to her. 

Unaware of what had transpired in Leo's office, Donna was unprepared for the raw emotion she heard in Josh's voice when he finally spoke. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" 

"What?" she asked, her eyes wide with concern and surprise. 

"I think you heard me. Why?" 

"Josh- I don't know..." she trailed off, and suddenly it all came together. Josh knew what had happened. Somehow he knew. She had waited too long. 

"Josh, I was going to tell you myself- but the time never seemed right, and-" 

He turned to face her then, and she could tell from his expression and tone that she had made a mistake. 

"The time... the time to tell me would have been immediately. Not hours later. Not after you had called in the FBI and the Secret Service!" 

"I didn't call the Secret Service-" 

"Right- that would have been Mike. At least someone was thinking about your safety- since you apparently were not ! Nor did you allow me the opportunity to offer my apparently meager protection. So, I'll ask again- why didn't you tell me right away that someone has been taking your picture in the early morning hours and - you know- just for fun, drawing a bull's eye over it before sending it to me? Why did you feel that was something better kept from me?" 

By the time he finished speaking, his voice had risen in volume and intensity, and Donna was grateful that the doors to Josh's office were closed. She acknowledged that he had every right to be angry at her delay in telling him, but she knew she had to at least make an attempt at explaining herself. 

"Josh... I was going to tell you as soon as you got back from Leo's office- " 

"I understand your rather tardy intentions- what I was asking was why you didn't pick up the phone right away and let me know what had happened?" Josh asked, and although he was no longer shouting, his voice still retained a distinct edge. 

"I was wrong, and I'm sorry. I should have called you right away." 

"Well...late though it may be, I'm going to take steps to ensure that nothing happens to you.. As of this moment you are officially on a leave of absence. Go back to Madison and visit your family. Lay on a beach somewhere and read trashy novels- whatever you like... but you're not going to be anywhere in the vicinity of Washington D.C. - and you are most definitely not going to be anywhere in the vicinity of me." 

As soon as Josh finished his speech he turned away from her again. 

"In case you were wondering, this - this thing you're doing right now, that's why I waited. I knew you were going to have some sort of extreme reaction to this and freak out. I can't imagine what made me think that." 

Donna hadn't meant for what she said to come out as harshly as it did, but once it was out she didn't have an overwhelming desire to take it back either. She wished he would turn around and look at her. She wanted more than anything to look into his eyes and remind him of all the times that they had promised each other they could get through anything as long as they did it together. He wouldn't look at her or touch her, and she could almost see the invisible wall he was building around himself. The oddly tragic thing of it all was that the wall wasn't for his protection- she knew that. He thought he was doing it for her - trying to protect her from himself. Of all the stupidly selfless things he had ever done, this was the worst. 

"I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is how it's going to be. You need to go to Leo's office now. Mike and Ron Butterfield are there. They're going to go over your security procedures. We'll discuss the rest of this when you get back." 

Donna stood there, listening to the strangely neutral tone he used as he rather effectively dismissed her. Her parting remark reflected the anger and frustration she was starting to feel. 

"You bet your ass we'll talk about the rest. We're far from done, Josh." 

Josh, practically wincing at the hard edge in her voice, turned in his chair just as Donna slammed the door on her way out. 

Donna stood in the hallway outside of Leo's outer office for a few moments trying to collect herself. As angry and frustrated as she was with Josh, she didn't need to take it out on Leo or anyone else. Taking a deep, and what she hoped was a calming, breath she walked into Leo's outer office and over to where Margaret sat. 

"Hey, Margaret. Josh said Leo needed to see me." 

"Yeah- you can go in," Margaret said, not looking directly at Donna, but rather focusing on what she was doing. Just as Donna was about to tap on Leo s door, Margaret called her back. 

"Donna..." 

"Yeah?" 

"Is everything okay with you?" Margaret asked in a low, confidential tone. 

Donna stood there for a moment, her brave mask slipping just a bit, and said 

"I hope so, Margaret. I really hope so." 

With that, she tapped on Leo's door and walked inside. 

Josh was still in the same spot he had been in when Donna slammed out of his office. He had no desire to work or to speak to anyone. The only thing he could think about was that hellish picture. The thought of someone looking at Donna that way- as though through a rifle sight... preparing to shoot her The thought of that happening turned the blood in his veins ice cold. Beyond that, the only thing he could think of was why. Why Donna? Josh remembered asking Joe Quincy the same question during his interview. The same night someone had fired into the press room, narrowly missing CJ,Toby and Will. Where did that kind of hatred and violence come from, and why couldn't they seem to escape it? Could anyone? 

"Josh?" 

He turned to see CJ standing in his open doorway. 

"Doesn't anyone around here knock? Or respect a closed door for that matter?" 

"Josh, what's going on?" CJ asked, her voice gentle but firm. He could see the concern in her eyes, but couldn't bring himself to talk to anyone right now. Not even a well- meaning friend. 

"Go talk to Leo, CJ. He'll fill you in. Right now, I'm... I have things I need to do," he replied, turning away from her once more. 

She stood there for a moment, torn over whether to follow her instincts and stay, or give in to his wishes. Finally, she decided that she would let him be for the moment and seek out answers elsewhere. 

Leo looked up from the memo that he was glancing over when Donna knocked.He called out for her to enter, although he was fairly sure Margaret had already told her to come right in. Observing the shaken and nervous way Donna appeared as she stood just inside his office, he got up from his desk and walked over to her. He gave her a quick, yet comforting, hug and guided her over to his sofa where he instructed her to "sit". Resuming his seat, he gave her a rueful smile and said, "Well, you've had a day, huh?" 

Donna just looked at this man who she had come to respect and admire almost as much as she did the President- in some ways even more- and did the only thing she could in the face of such a gross understatement. She broke into laughter. Admittedly the laughter had a slightly frantic edge to it, but it was laughter all the same. He watched as she lost a little of the shell-shocked expression she had been wearing when she came in, and felt just a little better. 

"Yeah... I guess you could put it that way," she replied, finally settling down a bit. 

"You doing okay?" Leo asked. 

"I'm not sure. To tell you the truth, I haven't really absorbed it all. I mean, I understand the implications of the picture, and that Mike feels it's a serious threat. I just don't understand why the picture was sent to Josh. What was that supposed to accomplish?" 

"We're not sure yet. How was Josh when you spoke to him?" 

"Angry... and stupid." 

"Stupid?" 

"He's pushing me away. He has this idea in his head that I'm a victim of his so-called bad luck. He feels that as long as I'm far away from him I'll be safe from all harm. According to him, I am to take a leave of absence- effective immediately," Donna said, her anger beginning to resurface. She was quite sure that Leo had not been party to Josh's order and was curious as to what his reaction would be 

"How do feel about that?" Leo asked, not showing any indication of how he felt. 

"It's pointless. Whoever this is- no matter what reason they're doing this, we can't allow them to control us. If we allow that, they win. I'm not going anywhere, Leo. If you or the President don't want me in the White House until this is resolved, I'll accept that - but I'm not running away." 

Donna watched Leo intently as he sat across from her, apparently considering her words. Finally he nodded. 

"I agree.It would be pointless for you to go anywhere. I'll talk to Josh about that. As far as you not being welcome in the West Wing, I can't imagine why you would feel that way. We certainly didn't restrict CJ's access to the President when she was receiving threats. Why would you think you would be treated any differently?" 

"CJ is a far more important member -" Donna replied, feeling a tad embarrassed that she had inadvertently insulted Leo and the President. 

"Donna, you're important too. Don't forget that," Leo said, cutting her off in the middle of her explanation. The expression on his face as he said it was both very serious and very sincere. 

"Thank you, Leo," she said. 

"You're welcome," he replied, then quickly returned to business. 

"I'm going to send you over to talk to Ron and Mike. They're going to go over your protection procedures. You will follow them to the letter - is that understood?" 

At her quick nod, Leo continued, "Good- because you don't want the President doing a 'worried father' routine on you, trust me... And don't think I'm above playing that card if I feel the need, young lady," Leo added the last part with a quick half grin, although Donna had the feeling he wasn t entirely joking. 

"I'll follow the rules to the letter. I promise," she assured him, giving Leo a brief smile. 

"Good girl. Go see Ron and Mike now. They're waiting for you in the Roosevelt room." 

Donna got up and was about to leave when she turned back to Leo. 

"Leo, about Josh..." 

"I'll talk to him." 

"He's not going to like it, Leo. He was determined that I was going to do what he said." 

"Well... he's just going to have to adjust his thinking, isn't he?" 

Donna had to agree. Leo was the boss- whether Josh liked it or not. 'Too bad that didn't extend outside these walls', she thought. Unfortunately, as far as that battle went, she was on her own. Of course, that battle was one that she had every intention of winning. 


	6. Sum of My Fears 6

**The Sum Of My Fears**

**by:** Brandy  
**Character(s):** Josh, Donna  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Romance, Drama, Angst   
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** Not Mine. All West Wing characters belongs to Joshn Wells and the rest of the merry band.  
**Summary:** Follows "Omens, Foreshadowing & Evidence of Other Things in the Wind" and "Up Against The Wall". A letter, a disturbing dream, an omen and toss of fate's dice all come together to devastate Josh and Donna's lives.  
**Author's Note:** Endless thanks to Evelyn for all her help. **Feedback:** Lovely and very much appreciated.  


* * *

CJ was just about to go back to Josh's office and badger him into providing her with some answers when she spotted Mike Casper and Ron Butterfield coming out of the Roosevelt Room. A quick glance into the room provided her with another piece to the puzzle. Donna was sitting inside, and she didn't look too great. Returning her attention to the stoic pair heading in her direction, she decided to focus her attention on the one she considered the easier mark. 

"Hey Mike, long time- no see. What brings you around?" CJ asked as casually as she could, taking note of Ron's brief nod as he made a hasty retreat in the other direction. 

"Not much, CJ. Just a meeting with Leo." 

"Anything I should know about?" she asked, not quite so casually this time. 

"I'm sure Leo will fill you in," Mike replied, making it clear he didn't care to elaborate. 

"Hmmm... I'm sure he will. The funny thing is, I was positive I just saw Donna Moss sitting in the room you just left." 

"Your point, CJ?" 

"My point is, the last time I checked Margaret was Leo's assistant, not Donna. So, what's up?" 

Mike gave her an irritated look, which she more than matched. It was soon followed by Mike heaving a frustrated sigh, and glancing over his shoulder towards the room where Donna sat. 

"Go talk to her, CJ. She could use an understanding ear right now." 

"Mike...what the hell?" 

"Just talk to her. I've got to go," he said, effectively ending the conversation as he brushed past, leaving her both concerned and confused. 

CJ turned away from Mike's retreating form and walked into the Roosevelt room, closing the door quietly behind her. She stood by the door for a moment before walking over to where Donna sat, touching her on the shoulder. 

The fact that Donna practically jumped out of her skin only magnified CJ's concern. 

"Hey... are you okay?" 

Donna didn't look up or speak beyond a rather subdued, "Yeah." 

CJ took a seat next to her and leaning close, said, "Why don't I believe that?" 

Turning to face her, Donna uttered a rueful chuckle and replied, "Maybe because Josh isn't the only lousy liar among us? " 

CJ noted Donna's paler than normal features and troubled eyes, and decided 

it was time to get to the bottom of whatever was going on. "I just left Josh - who looks like a walking train-wreck, by the way-only to find you looking just as bad, if not worse. So, how about telling me whats happened?" 

After a brief moment of indecision, Donna told CJ everything. She started with the letter she had received a little over a month ago and ended with the meeting she had just had with Ron and Mike. 

"So, Josh is not taking this well?" CJ asked, although she already knew the answer. 

"Josh is determined to put as much space between us as humanly possible. He thinks he's protecting me," Donna replied in frustrated anger. 

"You had to expect that, Donna. You know how Josh is," CJ remarked, trying her best to see the situation from all sides. 

"I understand why he's reacting this way, CJ. That's not the point. The point is that I won't allow this creep to have that much power over my life. Not to the point where I start living my life according to his twisted plan. 

CJ looked at Donna for a moment and remembered back to a time when she had been in Donna's shoes. She had felt the exact same way. Fear had never been the predominant emotion when she was being stalked and threatened. For the most part she had been angry. Angry that someone felt they had the right to threaten and seek to control her. Angry at the intrusion into her privacy created by her security detail. Angry at the constant feeling of being violated and watched. CJ had to admit that angry wasn't such a great way to feel, but it was better than being paralyzed by fear. 

"Do you want me to try talking to Josh?" 

"Honestly CJ, I really don't think it will do any good, but you're welcome to try. Leo said he was going to talk to him about the leave of absence, and I'm sure that conversation is going to leave him in a charming mood," Donna replied, suddenly sounding as weary as she felt. 

"Don't worry. Just leave everything to me. I've got my ways of dealing with Josh," CJ assured her, with a decidedly smug expression on her face. 

"If you say so.... I don't suppose you'd like to share your secret, would you?" Donna asked, a hint of smile turning the corners of her mouth. 

"Sorry. I can't give away all my tricks- even to a sister. But if you ever have need of my services, you know where to find me," CJ replied, giving her a wink and a grin as she walked out of the room. 

CJ approached Josh's door and once again walked in without knocking. Josh looked up, and CJ noticed the hopeful look on his face quickly give way to irritation. 

"I'm busy, CJ," he said, returning his attention to the file open in front of him. 

"Well, I'm afraid that's just too bad, pal. We're going to talk." 

"Look CJ, I already told you-" 

"Perhaps I should clarify myself... For the purposes of this conversation, I'll be doing the talking and you'll be doing the listening." 

"Fine. Talk," Josh said, his voice and posture letting her know that he resented her intrusion and was in a hurry to get it over with. 

"I spoke with Donna. I know what's going on.I know about the letter and the picture. I also know about your little temper-tantrum with Donna earlier. Did you really think that was the best way to handle the situation?" 

"Look, CJ- I did what I thought was best under the circumstances. If Donna feels I was unduly harsh, then I'm sorry. My only thought was protecting her. It's a moot point now, anyway- Leo overrode my decision. She stays." 

"Well, good for Leo! At least someone was taking Donna's wants and needs into consideration." 

"The only thing anyone should be taking into consideration is Donna's safety," Josh ground out between clenched teeth as he got up and began to pace around the room in agitation. 

"That concern is being addressed, Josh. That's not what Donna needs you for!" CJ said, her voice rising as she became more irritated with his attitude. 

"Apparently. That point has been made crystal clear, believe me." 

"Jackass! Fine- sit there and lick your wounded male ego- all because you weren't the one to protect Donna from whoever is doing this. Be angry and hurt and, by all means, shut her out when she needs you the most. That's exactly the way you should handle this." 

Josh stopped pacing and just looked at CJ as she railed at him. First, it was with surprise and anger. Then, as her words started to sink in, he felt ashamed. He had done exactly what CJ accused him of doing. 

"Damn," he muttered, slumping into his chair. Risking a glance at her, he asked, " So what should I do?" 

Relaxing a bit, CJ took the chair across from him and said, " Be there for her. Let her know she can tell you how she feels if she needs to. Reassure her this will end soon, that her life- your lives together- won't always be like this. Right now she's fighting to keep every bit of control she can over her life, and it's not easy." She took a breath, and thought back to a time a little over a year ago when she had been the one fighting for control 

"You know the worst part of something like this?" 

"I would imagine the fear of what might happen... of being hurt- or killed. 

"Well- that's there too, but it's not the worst part- at least it wasn't for me. It was the insidious way it ruined every good moment you manage to have. The constant feeling of being watched and infringed on. The injustice of knowing that you've done nothing wrong, yet you're the one whose freedom is being curtailed, whose movements are being monitored. The constant feeling of being violated... and victimized. It's a suffocating feeling." 

"I remember that you didn't take too well to your protection at first," Josh remembered. 

"Well- certain elements of it grew on me after a while," she replied with a secret little smile, then with a different sort of smile asked, "Did I ever tell you what happened after we got back from Belgium?" 

When Josh shook his head, CJ laughed a little, then proceeded to tell him, "Suffice it to say, that by the time we returned home, I was chafing a bit from being under the protective eye of the Secret Service- one member, in particular." 

She paused a bit, a somewhat sad, yet nostalgic smile curving her lips ever-so-slightly, then continued with her story. "Well, I announced that I had had enough, and that regardless of what he said, I was driving myself home. I was going to get into my 1965 baby-blue Mustang and feel the wind in my hair and anywhere else I wanted." 

"I'm sure that went over big." 

"Actually, he said 'okay'." 

"He said okay? Are you kidding me?" 

"No. But it turned out Simon was having a little fun with me. I got about halfway out the door before I figured out there had to be a catch. There was. It seems he had removed almost everything from under the hood but the bottle holding the windshield wiper fluid. My car had no car in it. " 

"That's a cute story, CJ. Was there a point in telling me though?" 

"Yes, there was- since you asked," CJ replied, giving him a pointed look. "Simon knew I was sick of being watched and guarded all the time. He knew I needed to flex my wings a little, so he allowed me my little rant and let me have that second or two of getting my way, before reality came crashing back Sometimes, when you're in the midst of something awful you need those small moments.That's the kind of thing Donna needs from you," she said, getting up and making her way to the door. Just as she was about to leave, she turned back to look at Josh. "And Josh... if you care about her the way I think you do, you should be willing to give her nothing less than that. I'll be around if you need me." 

Donna approached the door to Josh's office with an anxiety she had never felt before. She didn't think she had the strength to go another full round with him today. Everything that happened had simply drained her. It was only five o'clock in the afternoon and she felt like it was already the middle of the night. Mustering the last of her strength, she tapped on his door, and waited until he told her to enter. 

Josh looked up, his expression brightening a bit as she came into the room. 

"Hey... you're back." 

"Yeah," she said, leaning against the closed door. 

"Did you talk to Ron and Mike?" he asked, standing up, but staying on his side of the desk. 

"Yes. Everything's set. Did Leo tell you I'm staying?" she asked with a wary note in her voice. 

"Yeah. I talked to CJ too." 

"Really? What about?" 

"Well, she came in to tell me, among other things, that I'm a jackass," he replied with a fleeting grin. 

"I knew that." 

"Yeah... well, now so do I. I'm sorry for yelling at you." 

"You're forgiven. What about the other thing?" 

"I was worried about you. I still am. I wanted to do whatever I could to make you safe." 

"And you think I'll be safe if I'm away from you? Is that it?" 

"I did." 

"What about now?" 

"I don't know....but I do know that you don't feel that way, and for now... for now I'll respect that. So- am I still forgiven?" he asked, coming around from behind his desk and walking over to her. 

"For now," she replied, looking into his warm brown eyes and for the first time that day she felt tears threaten. There was one thing she needed more than anything else in the world right now, and if she didn't get it soon, she knew without a doubt that she would dissolve into tears. Fortunately for her, Josh needed the same thing, and unable to resist a second longer, he pulled her into his arms and buried his face in the crook of her neck. 

"I'm sorry- I love you so much and..." 

"I know. I love you too." 

"Even if I'm a jackass?" he asked as he kissed her cheek and smoothed her hair away from her face 

"Sometimes even because you're a jackass." she muttered against him and he could hear the laughter beneath the words. Hearing that made him feel just a little better, and he realized that CJ was right. She needed little moments like this- they both did. 

The man went over his plan once more. The key was always in the planning. It was the place where brilliance was born or fatal mistakes were overlooked. He had no intention of doing the latter. He had one more tantalizing tid-bit to deliver before he unveiled the grand plan itself. A sneak preview of sorts. This required its own delicate planning as well. Nothing was to be left to chance. Nothing. Then when the time was right- the full magnificence of his design would be unveiled- and they would never realize, until it was too late, how they had played a part in their own destruction... 


	7. Sum of My Fears 7

**The Sum Of My Fears**

**by:** Brandy  
**Character(s):** Josh, Donna  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Romance, Drama, Angst   
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** Not Mine. All West Wing characters belongs to Joshn Wells and the rest of the merry band.  
**Summary:** Follows "Omens, Foreshadowing & Evidence of Other Things in the Wind" and "Up Against The Wall". A letter, a disturbing dream, an omen and toss of fate's dice all come together to devastate Josh and Donna's lives.  
**Author's Note:** Endless thanks to Evelyn for all her help. **Feedback:** Lovely and very much appreciated.  


* * *

It had been three days since Donna had intercepted the package intended for Josh. Three days since Josh had come to realize that Donna had no intention of leaving him- no matter how hard he pushed. Three days of trying to make the best of a bad situation. It hadn't been easy. 

Josh was doing his level best not to let the constant fear and anxiety that plagued him become an additional burden to Donna. He was also trying very hard to take CJ's advice to heart and lighten the stress Donna was constantly under. Leo had been incredibly helpful, supportive and understanding, doing whatever he could to lighten Josh's load, and keep him off the Hill as much as possible. Of course, Josh knew that Leo's efforts weren't entirely altruistic. In Josh's present state of mind, Leo knew that he would likely cause more problems than he solved. Regardless, Josh appreciated the opportunity it gave him to stay close to his office and, most importantly, near Donna. 

Donna's way of dealing with the current state of affairs was an attempt at fooling herself. For varying periods of time Donna would pretend that her security detail was either not there, or failing that, that they were there for someone else. It was impossible to maintain the fiction for very long, but it gave her an occasional respite from thinking about what that rotating group of men and women represented. Oddly enough, given his initial reaction to things, it was Josh who was the most effective at distracting her and, surprisingly enough, making her laugh. She couldn't help but be touched at his efforts to make things easier for her- even if his methods were a tad unorthodox at times... 

. 

Despite his initial reticence about having Donna near him, Josh made the best out of the situation. In the evenings after they finished work and left the White House, the pair usually ended up at Josh's apartment. Gone was the strict definition between work and their personal life. It was as though they no longer had any time or patience for that particular pretense. Josh was a bit surprised that Leo didn't seem to have a problem with their new attitude, but chose not to look a gift-horse in the mouth. Little did Josh know that Leo had his own reasons for not complaining. It provided Leo with added peace of mind knowing that his Deputy was under the same close protection as Donna when they were outside the safety of the White House. Of course, some of the reports he was getting was making Leo wonder if it wouldn't simply be a better idea to chain Josh to his desk. 

It was widely known that the men and women of the Treasury Department- those assigned to protective details- were renowned for their discretion and razor-sharp focus when on the job. Another element of their training was to blend, as unobtrusively as possible, into the background for the comfort of their protectee, while at the same time maintaining their presence as an undeniable barrier to the outside world. This was a tricky balance to maintain. It required an agent to appear totally oblivious to his surroundings, while in reality he was taking in every detail. A properly bland and disciplined expression was an essential tool. It was that kind of discipline that Josh played upon in his attempts to amuse Donna 

When Donna's protective detail had been assigned, Josh had made a point of meeting each member. There were six agents in all- working in eight hour/around the clock shifts. Three men and three women.To Josh they all seemed very capable and serious. In short- all business. Of course, there was one in particular- a young man who probably hadn't been with the Treasury Department very long - if appearances meant anything, that is. He also had a trait that Josh found irresistibly amusing- a propensity to blush wildly whenever Josh and Donna engaged in their double-entendre laden banter One particular time when they were having such a conversation, Josh noticed that the young man in question, Paul, looked like he was about to go into a fit of apoplexy from trying to restrain his shock at their innuendo-laden banter. Little did Paul realize that the couple was laying it on a little thick for his benefit. Nor did he realize that he had become the focus in their running game to see which one could force the young agent into breaking his composure. Donna recognized that it was a little silly, and a trifle childish, but it did make the constant presence of her security detail a little easier to bear. She just hoped Leo didn't find out and put a stop to their fun before she won the game. 

CJ had just finished her noon briefing and was relieved, once again, that nothing about the situation with Donna had come up. Danny had approached her early that morning and asked a few rather pointed questions about added security presence in the West Wing. Her responses to his queries had been met with a rather meaningful look- one that CJ had correctly interpreted to mean that he was wise to the situation, but was willing to keep his mouth shut for the time being. 

On her way back to her office, CJ saw Donna on her way back to the Operations bullpen. Apparently she had been out of the building on an errand because her security detail was trailing closely behind her. CJ noticed that Donna was wearing an expression of irritation that CJ remembered from her days as a protectee. Deciding her friend needed a little commiseration time, not to mention a distraction, CJ walked over to greet her. 

"Hey Donna, how's it going?" 

In response, Donna rolled her eyes, and casting a glance over her shoulder to her ever-present shadows, replied, " Just peachy, CJ. How about you?" 

"You have a minute? I wanted to talk to you about something." 

"Sure- let's go in Josh's office. He's with the President for a little while." 

"Okay." 

CJ followed Donna through the bullpen and into Josh's office. When it looked as though the agents were going to follow them inside, Donna paused in the doorway, and with a significant look at the pair, said, " I'll be quite safe in here with CJ, thank you. She's only dangerous to idiots who embarrass her in her press room." She punctuated her comment by closing the office door quite firmly in their faces. 

Donna leaned against the door she had just closed and with a heavy sigh looked at her friend. 

"Oh my God, CJ! I swear.... I think I'm losing it. I really do." 

"Feeling a little claustrophobic there, Donna?" CJ asked with a sympathetic smile. 

"You know those lab rats that went insane when they were denied their privacy?" 

"They're following you around too?" CJ asked, her eyes sparkling with suppressed laughter. 

Donna looked at CJ with wide eyes, then without another word started laughing hysterically. After a moment or two she was laughing so hard that she was clutching her sides and tears were rolling down her cheeks. CJ was laughing right along with her, more because she was happy to see Donna let off a little steam, than at the questionable humor of her comment. 

By the time the women had collected themselves a little and sat down it was almost time for Josh to return. 

"What did you need to talk to me about?" Donna asked. 

"Well... two things actually. The first was to tell you that Danny's bloodhound instincts are as sharp as ever..." 

"He knows about the threats?" Donna asked, all previous humor gone from her voice. 

"He suspects. I don't think he actually knows anything, but he's definitely on the trail. Don't worry, though- for now he's keeping it in his pocket." 

Donna looked at CJ closely for a minute before letting out a small, relieved sigh. The last thing she could imagine dealing with right now was being scrutinized by the sharp eye of the media -on top of a stalker, an over-protective boyfriend, and a sometimes over-zealous security detail. That would be the veritable straw that broke the camel's back. 

"You're sure he's not going to run with it?" 

"As sure as I can be. Put it this way- Danny and I have a mutual understanding right now. Not to mention the fact that he's got a soft spot for you two. He mentioned something about snowballs and fate," CJ replied with a reassuring smile. 

"That's good. I'll have to find a way to thank him." 

"Don't worry about that. That's my department," CJ assured her with a knowing grin. 

"Okay... so what was the other thing?" Donna asked, beginning to relax again. 

"Oh... I'm taking you to lunch.You haven't eaten yet, have you?" 

"No... but... you mean go out-as in leave the building and go out in public?" 

"Unless you can figure out how to get the Secret Service to clear a restaurant for us the way they do for the President..." CJ replied, with a wry look. 

"You realize we'll have to take Frick and Frack with us- right?" Donna asked with a pained sigh. 

"Yeah, I figured as much. It'll be okay. We'll make them sit at the kid's table and throw spitballs at them," CJ replied with a smirk. 

"You wouldn't rather just order in and hide in Josh's office." 

"Where's the fun in that? Besides- our favorite place doesn't deliver. We need the spiritual sustenance of superior cheesecake, and that requires us to leave the building." 

"Okay... I'll get Debbie to give Josh the message that I'll be out with you- and the 'dynamic duo', of course- for lunch." 

"Great. I'll get my stuff and meet you back here." 

Donna watched her leave and then picked up the phone to make sure Josh got informed of her plans. 

Lunch with CJ proved to be just the restorative tonic Donna needed. They managed to have a wonderful time, despite the unavoidable presence of Donna s security detail. The easily shocked Paul wasn't on duty during office hours anymore, and Donna told CJ she had a sneaking suspicion that Leo was responsible for that decision. When CJ asked her to explain, Donna told her about the little game that Josh had instigated, and the lengths they had both gone to in their effort to win it. In conclusion, Donna surmised that while Leo wasn't completely against them having a little fun and distraction he didn't think the White House was exactly the appropriate setting. 

As the two ladies laughed and talked under the watchful eye of the agents assigned to Donna, none of them realized they were also under the careful scrutiny of another pair of eyes. 

He had once again made use of his postal carrier's uniform. It was complete- down to the last detail, and would allow him to pass, without notice, by the most carefully observant agent. The mail bag was a most helpful touch to his costume, since it allowed him to implement one part of his plan in ridiculously close proximity and completely unobserved. A less disciplined man would have been reduced to laughter by the ridiculous ease with which he was able to gain access to his target. Once again, he was right under their very noses, and they were completely oblivious. It was almost insulting how little they challenged him... 

The man went through the pretense of his assumed role. He delivered the mail to the man at the counter and waited for the outgoing mail the restaurant manager had- all the while he was busy taking care of the task he was actually there for. By the time his assumed task was complete, so was his actual one, and he took his leave of the establishment, and not once did he receive anything more than a passing glance from the two security agents stationed near his target. It was all so incredibly easy. 

It was seven-thirty that evening, and CJ had just called a full lid. She was going to curl up on the sofa in her office with a couple of briefing memos on some issues that would be coming up in the next few days, and then go home. If anyone thought life in the White House was glamorous, they should walk in her shoes for a week. As she passed by Carol's desk, CJ noticed a Federal Express box with her name on it.She looked around for Carol, then remembered she's had to leave early that evening to meet a friend coming in from out of town.With a shrug, she picked up the box and carried it into her office. 

After kicking her shoes off and pulling an afghan across her stretched out legs, CJ reached for the package she had found on Carol's desk. Breaking the seals, she lifted the top off the box and was immediately hit by the smell of roses. With confusion creasing her brow she saw the box was filled with rose petals. Pushing aside the petals, she noticed an envelope. It looked to be very high quality linen vellum paper- the kind used for nicely done wedding invitations and formal events. 'Maybe this is someone's idea of a unique invitation', she thought as she opened the envelope. Such benign thoughts were quickly shattered when she saw what the envelope contained. 

CJ held the picture in her trembling hands, unable to take her eyes from it or move for that matter, for what seemed like an eternity. Then, slowly the shock wore off, only to be quickly replaced by anger. She could feel it coursing through her veins as she stood, and walked out of her office, not even bothering to put her shoes back on. She walked straight to Leo's office and with barely a glance at Margaret, she went inside. 

Leo was in the middle of a conversation with Toby when CJ walked in unannounced. He paused in the middle of what he had been saying, and just when he was about to complain about the interruption, he saw the look on CJ s face. 

"What's happened?" 

Without a word CJ held out the picture she still had in her hand, and said, The son of a bitch is slick- I'll give him that." 

Leo looked from CJ's hard features, to the picture laying face up on his desk. 

It was a very nice candid photo of CJ and Donna, taken only hours before as they sat in their favorite restaurant, mere blocks away from the White House under the careful and diligent protection of members of the United States Secret Service. At the bottom of the photo, written in block print with a red marker were the words. " AT ANY TIME. IN ANY PLACE. I AM ALWAYS WATCHING THERE IS NO ESCAPE." 


	8. Sum of My Fears 8

**The Sum Of My Fears**

**by:** Brandy  
**Character(s):** Josh, Donna  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Romance, Drama, Angst   
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** Not Mine. All West Wing characters belongs to Joshn Wells and the rest of the merry band.  
**Summary:** Follows "Omens, Foreshadowing & Evidence of Other Things in the Wind" and "Up Against The Wall". A letter, a disturbing dream, an omen and toss of fate's dice all come together to devastate Josh and Donna's lives.  
**Author's Note:** Endless thanks to Evelyn for all her help. **Feedback:** Lovely and very much appreciated.  


* * *

Leo looked from the picture in his hand back to the fire in CJ's eyes, and asked one question. 

"When?" 

"I just opened it. The bastard Fed Ex'd it to my office all dressed up in fine stationary and rose petals." 

"Rose petals?" Toby asked, causing CJ to acknowledge his presence for the first time since she had strode into the room. 

"Yeah... red rose petals," she replied somewhat impatiently. 

"Why would he put rose petals in with something like that?" Toby asked. 

"Toby, do I look like I'm privy to the inner-workings of this freak's mind? What the hell difference does it make?" 

Leo glanced at both of them, and surprised CJ with his answer to the question she had directed at Toby. 

"It might make a lot of difference, CJ. There's no telling what messages or hidden meanings are behind this guy's actions." 

Without explaining any further, he walked over to the door and told Margaret that he wanted Ron Butterfield in his office right away. 

"Are Josh and Donna still in the building?"Leo asked Margaret as an after thought. 

"As far as I know..." she replied, hesitantly. 

"Find out, and if they are get them in here," Leo instructed before closing the door and turning back to CJ. 

"I want to know how in the hell this happened. I thought security was screening everything coming in- for this very reason." 

Although he was looking back and forth between CJ and Toby, he didn't really expect an answer from either of them. This whole situation was making him crazy with frustration. They were once again living their lives according to the whims of a madman. It was almost as bad as when Zoey had been kidnapped. . 

After a few moments of tense silence, Margaret tapped on Leo's door before poking her head in and saying, " Leo, Ron's here." 

"Send him in.... uh- Margaret, what about Josh and Donna?" Leo asked before she could duck back into the outer office. 

"Josh is meeting with Senator Leffert. Donna's still here. She said they're leaving for the day once he gets back," Margaret replied, her features clearly showing her growing curiosity over what was going on. 

"Fine. Tell Donna I need to se them both before they leave tonight." 

"Can I tell her what it's about?" 

"Just tell her what I said," Leo replied giving her her a look that assured no further questions would be asked- not even by Margaret. She nodded and without another word moved aside to allow Ron entrance into Leo's office. 

Ron walked in, noting, with a hint of surprise, the presence of CJ and Toby, before focusing his attention on Leo. 

"What can I do for you, Leo?" 

"Explain this," Leo said, handing Ron the photograph that CJ had brought to him scant moments before. 

"Where did this come from?" Ron asked, the muscles in his jaw tightening in irritation. 

"That's the sixty-four thousand dollar question, now isn't it?" Leo bit back in response. 

"No, Leo... This wasn't delivered to Miss Moss, correct? Because if it was, someone is definitely asleep at the wheel." 

"It came to me... It was delivered to me," CJ volunteered, causing Agent Butterfield to turn his attention to her. 

"Delivered? How?" he asked. 

"I came back from the press briefing, and saw a FedEx package addressed to me sitting on Carol's desk." 

"This was inside the package?" 

"Yeah... it was inside an envelope. Very nice quality stationary, by the way- and buried under a layer of rose petals." CJ explained. She noticed Ron s eyebrow shoot up in surprise at the mention of the rose petals. There it was again, she thought. Now it was starting to bug her too... there was something about the rose petals... some significance that she was missing. She just couldn't put her finger on it. 

"The packaging... everything that was in the box- where is it?" Ron asked. 

"In my office." 

"I need to see it right away- and then it all needs to go to the lab." 

CJ nodded, and with that Ron turned back to Leo. 

"Leo, this guy is widening his loop- we need to do the same. From now on, nothing comes into the West Wing that isn't opened and thoroughly gone over. Everything. Normal security procedures aren't going to do the trick on this one." 

"I agree. What about CJ?" 

"What about me?" CJ asked, her tone clearly expressing to Leo that she didn t appreciate being talked about like she wasn't in the room. 

"You're in that picture too," Leo replied giving her a look that suggested that she connect the dots. 

"No way, Leo..." she said looking from Leo to Ron. She glanced at Toby, but his expression was even more inscrutable than usual. She couldn't tell if she could expect any help from that quarter or not. 

"Don't mess with me, CJ. After everything that's happened I'm not in the mood to take chances." 

"Nobody's asking you to! There was no implied threat to me in that photo. I m nothing more than a means to an end. Obviously he knows that all communications to Donna are being monitored and he's made me his damned messenger- that's it!" 

Leo wasn't exactly swayed by her argument, but knew that the idea of having another protective detail assigned to her was something she wanted to avoid if at all possible. Turning back to Ron, he asked his question again. 

"Well- what do you think?" 

After a moments hesitation, and a brief glance at CJ, Ron said, " For the moment, I agree with CJ. At this point it appears to be just what she said. We can always reassess our position if new evidence warrants it though." 

"Fine. I assume you'll be talking to the agents on duty when this was taken?" 

"Yes. I'll expect to have that conversation as soon as this new evidence is secured." 

"Good, and I'll be expecting an update immediately following that," Leo stated, his tone indicating that he didn't expect or need Ron to agree. 

A few moments later, CJ and Ron left Leo's office, and Leo's gaze fell on Toby. 

"You were awfully quiet during all that- even for you," Leo observed. 

"I was thinking..." 

"About?" Leo asked, with a mixture of curiosity and trepidation. 

"This guy.. this nut-job. I'm wondering what his deal is. What makes him do the things he does." 

"I don't recall you having a degree in Psychology," Leo quipped. 

"I'm a professional political operative- that's like on the job training for that particular discipline." 

"Come up with any insights, Doctor Zeigler?" 

"No... but that thing with the roses bothers me, and the fact that he's included CJ in his sick little game." 

"The whole hellish mess bothers me, if you want to know the truth," Leo stated with a weary sigh. 

"And all these warnings... why doesn't he just do whatever he's going to do Why all this cat and mouse?" 

"I have no idea, Toby- but I, for one, am glad that he hasn't done anything yet. I'd hate to go through another episode like we did with Zoey... or God forbid, something worse. So please- let's just drop the speculation and let the ones who are more equipped deal with that angle. We were in the middle of something before all hell broke loose again- weren't we?" 

Toby looked at Leo for a minute and was about to say that he wasn't wishing anything dire happen to Donna- that wasn't his intent at all. He was merely thinking... and if truth be told, worrying out loud. Then he noticed how immeasurably weary Leo looked and how much the strain of worrying about first Zoey and the the President, and now Donna and Josh had taken it's toll on the older man, and decided to quiet the voice of speculation in his head. 

"Yeah... so I guess we're back to forming the President's response on international trade tariffs?" 

"Yeah." Leo replied, with a bare hint of a smile. It was nice to know that someone else recognized that in the middle of chaos, even the banal and ridiculous could be sublime. 

Josh and Donna were on their way home that evening, sitting in the back of the black Suburban, holding hands and each thinking their separate thoughts. Paul, the easily shocked agent who had been the brunt of their little ongoing game was driving them to Josh's apartment. His partner, a young woman who bore a slight resemblance to Gina Toscani, (formerly on Zoey's detail, and a veteran of Rosslyn) was riding 'shotgun'. Her name was Alex McCauley. She was eight years older than her shy, prone to blush partner, and completely different in manner. She glanced back at the couple behind her, and sighed. She felt bad for the two of them. She knew the latest development had made their efforts to deal with the ongoing situation much harder. She could only imagine how they felt about this newest restriction in their protective procedures... 

"I never thought I'd miss driving that crappy heap of mine." Donna sighed as she burrowed just a bit more into Josh's embrace. 

"Why is it when I refer to your car as a 'crappy heap' you get all offended but you just-" 

"Because it's my crappy heap. I love to drive. I love the idea of jumping in my car whenever I want and going wherever I want, and doing whatever I want... without a gaggle of babysitters," Donna complained, whispering the last part in deference to her evening -shift 'babysitters' in the front seat 

"Think of all the parking tickets you're not getting... That's got to be a couple of new outfits right there," Josh replied, trying to distract her, amuse her and annoy her all at the same time. 

"You know what?" 

"What?" 

"You can be really sweet sometimes..." 

"Why, thank you, Donna. I am quite something, aren't I?" 

"Even if you do it in a completely jackass-like way..." she finished, giving him a little teasing smile to soften the words, and to thank him for his attempts to cheer her up. 

"It's a good thing for you that I'm a sucker for your particular brand of abuse." 

"I know... I always said you needed a woman to treat you the way you deserved," she quipped in return. This was their own particular brand of sweet-talk. No matter what the situation, no matter how dire things got, they could still communicate in that uniquely loving way that was a part of who they were before they were completely aware of what that truly meant. That consistency in the face of whatever scary, unknown fate was out there, was in itself very comforting to both of them. 

  The man sat alone in his apartment. It was dark, and the only sound beyond his deep, even breathing was the faint sound of music coming from his bedroom. He had been listening to  Berlioz's  Symphonie Fantastique, and the faint swells of the music continued to soothe him as he went over his plan in his mind. Each detail was examined over and over again. In his mind each element of the plan was dissected from every possible angle. His little experiment earlier that day had been very informative. An extremely useful dry run. He reached over and picked up the object that had been sitting on the table next to him. He rubbed his thumb lightly over the surface. He felt the etching of the letters. Each one in turn, until he had traced all five . At the end he let out a deep, cleansing breath. Yes... the plan was ready. He was ready. The target was in just the right place mentally.  Everything was in it's proper place. He looked at the object in his hand very closely. In just a few scant hours it would be in it's proper place as well. With a trace of a smile, he tossed the object almost carelessly into the air and without so much as a glance in it's direction, caught it securely in his hand. His smile growing, he said, " Precision. here's to precision and planning- the mother of brilliance." Lifting his glass in salute to himself, he sipped the wine and Berlioz played on... 


	9. Sum of My Fears 9

**The Sum Of My Fears**

**by:** Brandy  
**Character(s):** Josh, Donna  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Romance, Drama, Angst   
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** Not Mine. All West Wing characters belongs to Joshn Wells and the rest of the merry band.  
**Summary:** Follows "Omens, Foreshadowing & Evidence of Other Things in the Wind" and "Up Against The Wall". A letter, a disturbing dream, an omen and toss of fate's dice all come together to devastate Josh and Donna's lives.  
**Author's Note:** Endless thanks to Evelyn for all her help. **Feedback:** Lovely and very much appreciated.  


* * *

CJ was still in her office at ten-thirty that evening. The briefing memos she had planned on going over sat ignored on her desk. She was trying her best to rid herself of the latest stress-induced headache without any luck. It would have probably been easier if she could have made herself leave the office and go home, but she couldn't. It wasn't as if she was getting any work done, she thought ruefully- still ...she couldn't leave. It was almost as though she was waiting for something. 

Ron hesitated on his way to Leo's office. He noticed CJ's light on and making a decision he would probably regret later, he knocked on her door. At her request to 'come in", he opened the door and stood just inside. 

"I was on my way to Leo's office, and saw you were still here..." he trailed off, looking a tad uncomfortable. 

"Yeah... is there anything new?" CJ asked, hating that she couldn't keep her voice neutral- that the anxiety she couldn't help feeling was glaringly apparent. 

"Not really. I just... there was something from earlier. I wanted to talk to you about it." Ron replied, his expression clearly contradicting his words. He looked as though the very last thing he wanted to be doing was standing in CJ's office discussing the idea that was running through his mind. 

CJ waited, an expectant, slightly anxious look on her face, for him to continue. She was almost at the end of her patience when Ron finally spoke. 

"When you told me about the package earlier, something struck a chord, and it bothered me. I felt as though there was some important element that I was missing. A clue.. or a message, if you will." 

"Something in the picture?" CJ asked, although she was fairly sure that wasn't the case. She had an awful, sneaking feeling exactly what Ron was referring to. 

"Not the picture. How it was packaged," he responded with a pointed look at CJ. He waited a second for her to make the connection herself, but when it appeared that she couldn't, or wouldn't, he elaborated. " The rose petals." 

Suddenly that elusive thing that had just beyond her grasp all evening came into focus. In the moments that followed she didn't see Ron before her anymore. She was lost in a montage of memories playing through her mind... 

A crooked smile and incredible blue eyes...confidence without cockiness, tenderness and caring without condescension. Strength and humor in equal measures 

A kiss full of promise...and the words that followed- also full of promise.. 

A crisp New York night on Broadway- men resplendent in their tuxedos, glamorous women adorned in evening gowns and jewels... 

A musical tribute to all the Henry's... 

Ron whispering urgently in her ear that he needed to speak privately with her... 

Denial... realization... and the awful coldness that settles in your heart with acceptance of the unavoidable... 

Needing to see... needing the visual proof... 

A little bodega around the corner from the theater... blue lights and yellow crime scene tape... blood on the pavement... and roses. 

Red and white roses scattered across the open entrance. 

CJ remembered seeing one of the more sensationalistic papers running a picture that had been taken of the front of the bodega. Taken before Simon's body had been removed. Simon's body surrounded by the scattered roses. Roses .. How long had it been before she had been able to see roses without thinking of Simon? 

Turning her attention away from her memories, and back to the man sitting in front of her, CJ asked, " Maybe it's just a coincidence. His twisted idea of humor- a prettily packaged threat..." 

Ron pretended to consider her theory, but they both knew it for the pretense it was. 

"Why?" she asked. 

"I can't answer that. The only thing I can say with any assurance is that this is a very disturbed and very thorough individual. This package... the way it was sent, the picture being of both of you, his detailed knowledge of things... He wasn't operating within restrictive options- this was intentional. Whoever this is- they're hoping to illicit a very specific response." 

"But you don't know what?" CJ asked, already knowing the answer. 

"No. I'm sorry. In fact I'm sorry if this has... if I've brought up painful memories." 

"Don't worry about it,Ron," CJ replied, looking uncomfortable with a gesture of kindness from this normally very reserved man. Truth be told, he wasn't very comfortable offering it. He had wondered briefly how far Simon and CJ had strayed from the guidelines regarding agents and protectees, but Simon's death had made speculation a moot point. It wasn't something he ever intended to ask her about, regardless of the circumstances. He was, however, a man who respected his instincts, and his instincts told him quite a lot. 

"Well... I've got to meet with Leo now," Ron said, rising and moving towards the door. 

"Okay. Thank you, Ron." 

With a nod, Ron took his leave. CJ continued to sit there for a long time, her mind filled with memories both wonderful and awful until she noticed something out of the corner of her eye. Leaning down she picked up the small overlooked item from it's place on the floor, near the edge of the sofa. Running her fingers over the soft fragility of the rose petal, she remembered his eyes... eyes that sparkled with humor, strength and gentleness in equal measures. Eyes through which she glimpsed a future full of passion and promise and...things that were tragically never to be realized. Letting the petal fall from her fingers, she clasped her hands together and said a silent prayer that Josh and Donna wouldn't suffer a similar fate. 

Leo sat in his office, after Ron left, going over every detail of the report he had given him. It wasn't very encouraging. 

According to Ron, the agents who had been on duty when Donna and CJ were out for their lunch hadn't noticed anything out of the norm during their time in the restaurant. In fact, some of the other patrons were White House employees that the agents had recognized. No one in the establishment had been seen with a camera of any kind. The employees had been questioned and their backgrounds carefully checked. No red flags there. The Federal Express transaction had been been untraceable... a ruse. There was no tracking receipt- nothing. They were literally at a loss to explain how it appeared on Carol's desk. In other words, they were back at square one. Leo sighed in disgust, and tossed the report aside. The most sophisticated surveillance and security methods in the world at his disposal, and they were flying in the dark. How could someone create this kind of fear and upheaval without leaving a trace of his identity? 

Ron was on his way out of the building when his cell phone rang. With a sigh of resignation he flipped it open, and answered it with impatience. 

He listened for a moment, the scowl on his face deepening as he heard what the person on the other end was telling him. 

"Why wasn't this brought to my attention earlier?" Ron asked, pinching the point of his brow between his eyes in obvious annoyance as he listened to the answer. 

"Fine. I need them both back here as soon as humanly possible. Yes... her too. I'll be in Mr. McGarry's office." 

Ending the call without another word, he retraced his steps back to Leo's office. 

"Leo... we may have a development," Ron said as he stopped in Leo's doorway 

Leo looked up in surprise. He had been gathering some files together to take home and hadn't seen Ron approach. 

"What?" 

Ron hesitated for a moment. He really would rather have waited until he had talked to the two principles involved, but he knew Leo wanted updates as they happened. 

"I don't have all the details yet, but one of the agents on detail at the restaurant remembered something that wasn't included in the report, and we may have figured out how the mystery FedEx package slipped through the cracks." 

"What was the detail- with the agent?" 

"There was someone there that he didn't think to include. It was only later when it bothered him that he thought of it. At the time he thought it was inconsequential," Ron replied, his facial expression clearly showing what he thought of that particular determination. 

"I hope you told him that it's not his job to decide which details are important and which aren't." 

"I will be. He's on his way here now." 

"Fine... What about the package?" Leo asked, his tone letting Ron know that it was a good thing for the agent that Ron would be the one dressing him down and not Leo. This next piece of information wasn't likely to improve Leo's mood. 

"If I'm getting a clear picture of the chain of events, it appears that our man- or someone acting on his behalf- was actually in the White House this afternoon," Ron replied, looking as though it caused him something close to physical pain to relay this information to Leo. It took years of practiced restraint for Ron not to flinch at the expletive that Leo gave voice to upon hearing this latest development. 

Donna and Josh were curled up together on his sofa. The television was on- tuned to one of the classic movie channels, at Donna's request. Her evening shift of 'baby-sitters', as she referred to her protective detail, were sitting at the dining room table. While their position afforded Josh and Donna the barest modicum of privacy, it also fulfilled the much more important requirement of providing the agents with various points of surveillance. They were able to keep both entrances into the brownstone, as well as the subjects under their protection, under their constant guard. Donna glanced over her shoulder at them. Alex got up from her position, facing the couple on the sofa, and walked into the kitchen, refilling her cup from the now constantly filled coffee urn on the counter. On her return, she lifted her cup to Donna, raising her eyebrow in question. Donna shook her head at the unspoken offer, her slight smile showing her thanks for the consideration on Alex's part. 

Paul, her younger counter-part was flipping through cards in a distracted game of solitaire, his back to them and his eyes constantly flickering to the door and windows within his field of vision. 

Donna turned her attention away from the pair and back to the man sitting next to her. Josh had his arm around her in a seemingly casual, but obviously protective gesture. He was trying to appear relaxed and even interested in the movie on the screen, but Donna could tell his mind was anywhere but on the escapades of Katherine Hepburn and Cary Grant. 'He's trying so hard', Donna thought, and realized that she had to tell him how much his efforts meant to her. 

"I was very proud of you earlier this evening," Donna stated, a slight smile on her face. 

Josh cocked a brow in question and a little surprise. 

"What exactly did I do? So- you know- I can do it again sometime..." 

"I think you know, but I'll feed this little snack to your over-blown ego anyway," Donna began with a smirk, shifting a little in his arms so that she could look directly at him. 

"Compliments and abuse in the same sentence. Is it any wonder I love you so much?" 

"I'm a whiz at multi-tasking, Josh- you should know that," she quipped in return. 

"I'm still waiting to hear what wonderful thing I did..." 

The trace of a smile that had been playing across her lips became a real smile at the expression on Josh's face. It was moments like these that she could see the future in his eyes. These moments when she would get a glimpse of the little boy he used to be anxiously awaiting praise from those he most desired it from. 

"You were wonderful when Leo told us about the picture. You were restrained and strong. You were there for me in ways I can't even express..." 

Donna's voice, pitched low in concession to the agents in the next room, began to falter a little and her eyes became moist with emotion. 

"Donna... please don't-" 

"No- let me say this," she said, effectively cutting him off as she laid her hand on his chest, feeling this heart beating steadily beneath her fingers. That was one sensation she would never take for granted. Not after what she'd witnessed in that operating room... 

"I know how much all this scares you. I know about all the old demons it brings to the surface, and I know how tiring it's been to do everything else that you have to do and deal with the stress of what we're dealing with. I just wanted you to know I realize all that... and that I love you." 

Josh honestly didn't know what to say. 'Thank you' seemed woefully inadequate, even if it was the first thing that came to his mind. He almost gave in to the impulse to make a light-hearted, slightly sarcastic comment, but he restrained himself. He settled for letting his eyes and his heart say all the things he found so hard to articulate at times. It was situations like this when he envied men like Sam, Toby and Will- men who could wrest such beauty and poetry out of the English language. Pulling Donna closer he kissed her cheek, then the top of her head and whispered the only words that came close to encompassing all he felt for her. 

"I love you." 

They remained there for the better part of the evening, wrapped in each other's arms. They drew comfort and strength from each other as they wove their protective cocoon around each other. For that evening they gave into the blanket of comforting balm they shared, never knowing how short-lived that comfort would be. 


	10. Sum of My Fears 10

**The Sum Of My Fears**

**by:** Brandy  
**Character(s):** Josh, Donna  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Romance, Drama, Angst   
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** Not Mine. All West Wing characters belongs to Joshn Wells and the rest of the merry band.  
**Summary:** Follows "Omens, Foreshadowing & Evidence of Other Things in the Wind" and "Up Against The Wall". A letter, a disturbing dream, an omen and toss of fate's dice all come together to devastate Josh and Donna's lives.  
**Author's Note:** Endless thanks to Evelyn for all her help. **Feedback:** Lovely and very much appreciated.  


* * *

Josh woke in the early pre-dawn hours to the sound of his cell phone ringing on the bedside table. With a quick glance at Donna, who was curled up next to him, and still sleeping soundly, he quickly and quietly answered it. 

"Josh Lyman." 

"It's Leo. I need you to come in." 

Josh, taking a quick glance at the clock and noting that it wasn't quite four a.m. yet, slipped carefully out of bed and out of the room. 

"What's going on?" he asked, shrugging on his robe as he closed the door behind him. 

"There was some vandalism in a church outside of Dayton and a bomb threat." 

"Is it a racial thing?" 

"No. The church has a large gay membership. They had a wedding scheduled for this weekend." 

"Two members of the same sex?" Josh ventured, although he was fairly sure of the answer. 

"Yeah. The vandalism and the threat seemed to suggest that some of the less forward thinking members of the community were less than pleased about the ceremony. The threat turned out to be bogus this time- but who knows with these types..." 

Josh stood in the hall for a minute, raking his hand through his hair and scrubbing the lingering sleep from his eyes before commenting. 

"Leo, while I agree that what's happened is bad... it's repugnant in fact- but how is it our thing..." 

"This is Hannah's back yard," Leo reminded, recalling- for Josh- the conversation that he'd had with CJ about the 'fools on the Hill' and the legislation they were trying to form making same-sex marriages a Federal crime. " Plus... there's one other thing." 

"What?" 

"Seems Hannah was doing some hometown motivational speaking on his new favorite subject night before last." 

"You're kidding. Can we draw a line between the two? I mean- how stupid was he?" 

"Pretty stupid. He almost left a trail of breadcrumbs between the two events. Whether he realizes it or not, the idiot just gave us the muzzle we need to shut him up." 

As Josh listened he could almost see the anticipatory gleam in Leo's eyes as he envisioned all the ways he was going to make Hannah squirm- regardless of the fact that they were having this conversation at an ungodly hour in the morning. 

"Okay- but why do we need to pry up the sun dealing with this." 

"Because I want our response to this to come out ahead of his spin. The man might be an idiot, but his staff isn't suffering from quite the same degree of affliction. The first thing they're going to try to do is disassociate their guy from the church thing." 

"Sounds like a tall order, but... okay. I'm on my way. Is Toby coming in?" 

"As we speak. I'll see you shortly." 

Josh walked back into the bedroom and was on his way to the closet to pull what he was going to wear when he heard Donna stir behind him. 

"Josh... What's going on? What time is it?" she asked, her voice husky and low. 

"I gotta' go in. Leo called." 

"Oh..." Donna replied, valiantly trying to shrug off the dregs of sleep. She got up and automatically started to gather her clothes together. Josh came over to her and taking her hand, guided her back to the bed. 

"Josh... what are you doing? You said Leo needs us to come in. I have to get dressed." 

Josh couldn't help but smile at the slightly whiny, little girlish tone in her voice. Without a whole lot of effort he had her back in bed and the covers over her in short order. 

"I need to go in. You, on the other hand, need to get a few more hours sleep," he said as he kissed her cheek and brushed her hair away from her face. 

"Don't you need me?" she asked, her eyes already closed, as she snuggled a little deeper under the covers. 

"All the time- but I think I can muddle through for a little while. You could always bring me some coffee as payment for my kindness.." he ventured, with a hint of a grin. 

Donna's response was a very inelegant snort as she grabbed his pillow and pulled it close to her as a pale substitute for his warmth. 

With one last kiss, Josh gathered his things up and left the room to get ready for the day. It was the first time since they had been haunted by this mysterious stalker that they had been away from each other. It wasn't until Josh was walking through the halls of the West Wing on his way to Leo's office that the thought settled in on him though. When it did, he quickly pushed it away.With the day he had ahead of him, it didn't pay to linger on thoughts like that.... 

>From his position the man noted the early morning, solo departure of Josh Lyman. With a brief sigh of displeasure at this alteration in his plans, he quickly shrugged it off. It would have been better if Lyman had been there as witness to his greatness- but no matter. The end result would remain unaltered. The end result was the crux of his lesson.... 

Donna woke at five-thirty sharp.Her body clock, she noted with an inward groan, was as infallible as ever. She reached out for Josh, then remembered, even before she opened her eyes that he had already left. She would have loved to snuggle under the covers for another hour or two, but that indulgence was one she'd much rather share with Josh. Tossing the covers away, she forced herself out of bed and into the shower. It was time to start another day... 

Josh and Leo, along with Toby had hammered out the best way to utilize Hannah's ill-advised and inflammatory remarks and how best to make him eat them. Toby had a particularly anticipatory gleam in his eyes as he jotted down remarks for CJ to take into the briefing room on is his way out. Josh was getting ready to return to his office when a question from Leo halted him. 

"How's Donna doing?" 

"She's okay. She's handling it better than I could in her place." 

"Which forces me to ask- how are you doing?" 

"I'm fine, Leo. My impatience to have this crap over with is at an all-time high, but I'm as fine as the situation allows. Do they have anything more? I heard about the postman and the bogus FedEx package." 

"Who told you about that?" Leo asked, a little annoyed that his request to Ron Butterfield to delay telling Josh until the morning was ignored. 

"I have frequent conversations with people at Justice," Josh replied in a pitiful attempt at being vague. 

"You pumped Mike Casper for information?" 

"That's an ugly accusation, Leo. Ugly- but true," Josh replied with a hint of a smirk. 

Shaking his head at his Deputy's total lack of shame when it came to getting what he needed, Leo proceeded to fill him in. 

"Apparently the package was passed through White House correspondence in an old- fashioned 'bump and fumble' move..." 

"I'm assuming that's what it sounds like?" 

"Yeah, it looks like the guy, or somebody working with him, was on one of the tours. He bumps into an intern loaded down with a carton of crap from the mailroom. In the confusion the nice, slim, innocuous FedEx package gets slipped into the mix. You gotta' give the guy points for ingenuity." 

"Not so much... what about the restaurant?" 

"There was a mail carrier in the place while Donna and CJ were there?" 

"Okay..." 

"He was one of two to come by that day. The other one... the real one came by there about an hour after our guy left. We figure that's when the picture was taken," Leo said, shaking his head once again, this time in disgust and annoyance at the way this mystery man was seemingly walking between the raindrops- untouched and unnoticed. 

"Yeah... that's about what Mike told me." 

At that, Leo gave him a withering look and said, " Are you still here for any worthwhile reason or just to annoy me?" 

"Hey- you wanted to chat..." 

"Get out- go do some work." Leo said waving him out. 

Donna was gathering her things together to leave when Paul came over to her. 

"Miss Moss.... we have a slight change in plans, and it will be just a few more minutes before we can leave." 

"Is there a problem?" Donna asked, her brow creasing in concern. 

"No ma'am ... It's just a procedural change. We'll be doing our shift change here instead of at the White House as we normally do. Agents Dyle and Lowell should be here in a few moments." 

Donna shrugged and thanked him. She watched as he walked into the kitchen to speak with Alex, almost feeling bad for the way she and Josh had made sport of his shy, innocent nature.Almost... 

A minute later, Alex and Paul joined Donna in the living room. 

"We're ready when you are Miss Moss," Alex said, shrugging on her jacket. 

"Let's go." 

He watched as they filed out the front door, but his gaze was distracted by the appearance of the second Suburban. Another alteration to the plan.... He shrugged the problem off as if it was a minor nuisance. Adapt. Innovate. Overcome. That was the motto, was it not? This was just another challenge. A further display of his skills. Once again, he focused on his target. The scope, attached to his rifle, the perfect tool to aide him in focusing on his objective. Taking a deep, steadying breath, a small humorless smile crossing his features as his finger caressed the trigger, he lined up the cross-hairs of the sight just where he wanted them. 'This is it,'he thought. 'This is the moment when I show them all. So superior, so smart, so sure I wasn't good enough. Not only am I good enough- I'm better. Now they'll see what they passed over.' 

Paul walked to the bottom of the steps on Donna's left side. Alex was on her right. When the agents relieving them double parked their vehicle next to Alex and Paul's, Alex moved slightly away from Donna. When Alex moved forward, Paul's gaze automatically swept to the area on the right of Donna. For some reason- instinct, a millisecond of a peripheral glance-something caused Paul to look up. It was then he saw the flash of light reflecting off the scope. A half a second later he saw the powder flash, but by then he had already moved his body around Donna and was taking her to the ground as his body shielded her from both the bullet and the fall. He barely remembered shouting the word "gun" as he went down. He didn't even feel the hot lead as it pierced his upper back. The shots fired from close range vaguely registered as oddly distant echoes.All he knew before his vision clouded over was that the woman he was sworn to protect was still beside him and there was a great deal of blood between them. 

Donna felt someone grab her, realized a second later that it was Paul, and was about to ask him what the hell he was doing when she heard one word that brought everything into brutal focus : "Gun!" The next thing she knew, she felt a painful sting, then everything went black as she fell to the ground. 

Josh was sitting in his office, about to pick up the phone and give Donna a wake up call for a change, when Leo walked into his office, Ron Butterfield close behind him. Noting the expression on Leo's face, Josh's anxiety level went up several notches. When he saw Ron shut the door behind him, he went on full scale alert. 

"What's up?" he asked, standing up suddenly, as if it was physically impossible for him to be still. 

"The guy made his move this morning as Donna was leaving your place. Her and one of the agents... Paul, I think, are on their way to GW. Ron will take you." 

For a second Josh couldn't move or speak. He felt as though all the blood had drained from his body and his feet were buried in cement. Finally, with vocal chords that felt tight and thick he uttered the half spoken question that fumbled from his lips. 

"How bad?" 

This time Ron answered him. 

"We don't know Josh. Just that she's alive. I was only able to get the sketchiest details. They were still securing the area. This just happened." 

"Go Josh. The sooner you get there, the sooner you'll find out what you need to know. I'll be along as soon as I can," Leo instructed him in that authoritative, no-nonsense voice he knew Josh would respond to. It was Leo's 'get it done' voice, and it had the desired effect. Josh automatically followed Ron out of his office and through the halls of the West Wing, until they were in a car and on their way to GW. 

'This is it', Josh thought. "This is what she went through for all those hours. I never even came close to imagining what it was like for her. This is every nightmare I've ever had rolled into one...' 

He was broken out of his dark reverie by Ron laying a hand on his shoulder and saying, 

"Josh...we're here." 

"Yeah." 

It was all he could muster in response as he got out of the car and followed Ron into the hospital. His steps felt leaden and unsure, while at the same time his heart was racing like crazy. It was as if his body was telegraphing the thoughts going through his head. The fearful desire to delay the worst for as long as possible, warring with his overwhelming need to get to Donna with all possible haste. 

Donna woke up to the awful antiseptic smell that was a trademark of hospitals everywhere. For a minute she had the strangest feeling she had fallen through some weird hole in time, and she was back at Josh's bedside after the shooting. Same smells, same noises, except for one thing.... she was in the wrong place. How did she get in this hospital bed? She rolled to her side to get up and immediately felt twin explosions of pain in both her head and her arm. 'Okay...'she thought, 'what the hell is going on here? And where is Josh?" 

Josh walked up to the nurse's station outside the emergency room and managed to lose the power of speech for the second time that day. With a quick glance at Josh, Ron immediately took charge. 

"I'm Special Agent Butterfield of the Secret Service. One of my agents, Paul Westerly, was brought in, along with a young woman, Donna Moss. I need to know whatever information you can give me about their conditions." 

"Agent Westerly is in surgery. His condition is listed as fair. Miss Moss is in exam four..." she trailed off as she noticed Josh take off in the direction she indicated. 

"Sir...Sir... you can't go back there!" she yelled after him to no avail. She followed that by directing a withering glare at Ron, as if he and he alone were responsible for Josh's behavior. 

With a shrug and the barest hint of a smile, Ron asked the nurse when Agent Westerly was expected out of surgery. 

Josh opened the door to exam room four, and stepped inside. He didn't even realize he was holding his breath until Donna turned her head slowly in his direction and with a trace of a smile said, " Hey... I was just wondering where you were." 

His heart thumping in his throat as he released his held breath in a sigh of relief, he felt tears stinging his eyes as he walked over to Donna, and sat down in the chair beside her bed. Taking her hand, he noticed the small bandage near her temple and the large bandage on her upper right arm, near her shoulder. She looked a little paler than usual, but other than that, she looked wonderful. 

"I'm right here. Right where I belong," he said as he kissed her fingertips then leaned forward to kiss her lips. 

"It feels weird for you to be there and me to be here. Not that I like it either way, mind you...." 

"I vote for neither of us pulling a repeat performance, okay?" 

"Sounds good to me," Donna replied and then with her brows furrowing in confusion, she asked a question." What happened? All I remember is Paul grabbing me, and I went down and everything went black." 

"Well. I don't really know anything yet, but I'm assuming that 'bashful boy Paul is a lot tougher than he looks." 

"Is he okay?" Donna asked, concern creasing her brow. 

"He's in surgery, and I have it on fairly good authority that they do pretty good work here. Also I think the nurse said he's in fair condition. So that all sounds good to me" 

"You think? Weren't you paying attention?" 

"Not that much- not until she said where you were. Then I was all ears," he admitted with a rueful smile, remembering the way the duty nurse yelled after him. 

"Josh, please try to behave, and not piss off the nurses too much. I'm not quite up to sending flowers and writing apology notes right now." 

"I promise. You rest and I'll stay right here." 

"Okay." she replied, her eyelids fluttering shut as she relaxed, secure in the fact that Josh was right next to her and they were both safe. 

As he watched Donna drift off, Josh brought her hand, still clasped in his own. to his lips. He said a silent prayer of thanks that neither of them had been forced to face their worst fear, and added a silent plea that they never would. 


	11. Sum of My Fears 11

**The Sum Of My Fears**

**by:** Brandy  
**Character(s):** Josh, Donna  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Romance, Drama, Angst   
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** Not Mine. All West Wing characters belongs to Joshn Wells and the rest of the merry band.  
**Summary:** Follows "Omens, Foreshadowing & Evidence of Other Things in the Wind" and "Up Against The Wall". A letter, a disturbing dream, an omen and toss of fate's dice all come together to devastate Josh and Donna's lives.  
**Author's Note:** Endless thanks to Evelyn for all her help. **Feedback:** Lovely and very much appreciated.  


* * *

Josh was waiting in the hallway outside of Donna's room when Leo arrived. The doctor had come in, given Josh a brief rundown of her injuries- a relatively minor flesh wound on her upper right arm, and a concussion from hitting her head in the fall. It appeared that when Paul pulled her down, the bullet struck him in his upper back, near his shoulder, and passed straight through, grazing Donna as it exited. A few minutes earlier, Ron had come by with an update on Paul. His surgery was going well, and outside of needing some physical therapy, he should come out of it one-hundred percent. Josh thanked Ron and told him that he wanted to see Paul when he was up to visitors. Ron promised he would pass on his wishes, then proceeded to fill Josh in on what the knew about the morning's events. 

"It turns out the guy - his name was Leon Atwood - had sublet a studio apartment in one of the buildings down the street from you. It was a top floor apartment with a balcony and afforded him a great view of your comings and goings, as well as Miss Moss's when she was there." 

Ron watched as obvious guilt played across Josh's features. Taking a deep breath, Ron laid his hand on Josh's shoulder and spoke to him as he would to a friend. 

"Josh, I'm going to tell you something, and you have to believe me because it's the truth. This guy... his thing- what drove him- it had nothing to do with you. It had nothing to do with Donna. You were tools in his sick little ego-driven game." 

"What makes you so sure? Really, Ron- how can you know that it didn't happen because-" 

"Because it's my job to know. This guy had been trying for years to get involved with law enforcement and intelligence. He was obsessed with it. He applied to the F.B.I and the C.I.A training programs and was rejected based on psych analysis. After that, he made intelligence, law enforcement and anything related to it his hobby. his obsession, really. We've had our guys in his place all morning. It looks like he bought out half the spy-shops in the greater D.C. area. His goal was to show us up- show us what we'd passed up by turning him away. All he got out of it was dead." 

"So you're saying he picked Donna at random? That's a little thin, Ron." 

"Not entirely. The fact that she works in the White House- that you both do- certainly kicked his alpha tendencies into overdrive. You, and by extension, Donna were good targets for him. You both fed his need for a challenge by being part of the White House inner circle, but you two were certainly more accessible than the President or Leo. It could have been anyone- CJ, Toby, Will... anyone. My guess is that he honed on Donna to play with your head without actually directing any threats at you. A little side game of sorts... two for the price of one, if you like." 

"Why are you telling me this?" 

"Because, it's the truth, and you needed to hear it. I've got to get back, Paul should be coming out of recovery, and I need to speak with him." Ron said, rising from his seat beside Josh 

"Don't forget to tell him how grateful I am for what he did. If he hadn't been so observant, so quick..." Josh trailed off, unable to complete the awful possibilities that thought implied. 

"It's all part of the job, Josh." Ron replied with a shrug. 

"Well... thank him anyway." 

"I will. Looks like you've got company," Ron observed, gesturing down the hall at Leo's hurried approach. 

Josh stood up as Leo approached, and in a move that came as close to a hug as they allowed each other, Leo clasped his shoulders, and said " Thank God it's over, and thank God she's okay. She is okay, isn't she... you said it was just superficial stuff, right?" 

"Yeah, she's good. A little banged up, but good. The bullet grazed her arm, but it looks like she'll barely have a scar. She's in X-Ray now, just as a precaution. She should be back soon." 

"I hear the kid is going to be okay too." 

"Yeah... Some kid, huh?" 

"Well, maybe now you'll lay off that ridiculous bet about trying to get the kid to break out in a fit of embarrassment like some virgin in a nudist colony. " 

"You knew about that?" 

Leo gave Josh his 'are you stupid' look, and said, " I know everything. I thought we'd already established that." 

"Oh yeah..." he replied, slanting Leo a quick grin. " So how's things at the store?" 

"Okay. The President said to take the day, take care of Donna, take care of yourself." 

"He's in a good mood after watching CJ filet Hannah?" 

"You could say that. He's in a better mood about knowing that his kids are safe and accounted for." 

At Josh's puzzled look, Leo said, "You and Donna, Josh- you and Donna." 

"Oh... thanks Leo." 

"No problem. I'm going back. Everybody said they'll stop by or call later, and it looks like you're done waiting," Leo said as he looked past Josh to Donna being wheeled up the hall toward him. 

Josh turned and his face lighting up, he gave a quick nod of farewell to Leo and walked briskly over to meet her. Leo stood there for a moment, watching the two of them, and then with a satisfied smile, turned and walked away. 

That evening as Donna slept, Josh sat in the chair next to her bed and watched the news play out the day's events. They talked about the man that had reeked such havoc in his and Donna's lives over the past several days, they talked about every aspect of his life- from his failed military career, to his futile attempts to join law enforcement and intelligence, everything but what had caused him to be such an odd, dissatisfied man, stuck on such a singularity of purpose that he was blind to being party to his own destruction. Josh supposed that everyone was guilty of that from time to time. He certainly had let his fears blind him for a time. No more, he vowed silently to himself, as he watched the woman he loved sleep peacefully next to him. Nothing would ever blind him to what mattered most again. 

The End... 


End file.
